Israel TherapyIsrael Therapy: My husband doesn’t think Israel has the right to exist — and I’ve never felt more Jewish
Is our marriage doomed?
Image by Yoav Einhar
Editor’s note: Israel Therapy helps people grapple with personal dilemmas and emotional issues around Israel. It will soon be a podcast produced in partnership with Reboot Studios and hosted by Libby Lenkinski, an Israeli-American who frequently fields questions from friends, colleagues and total strangers about how they feel about the latest news from the Holy Land.
Send your Israel-related dilemma to [email protected].
The Patient: Jacklyn is Jewish, and her husband, Ed, grew up Christian. They live in the Bay Area with their 2-year-old son. Neither of them grew up religious at all and when they met and got married, their different backgrounds didn’t seem like an issue.
The Problem: The war has left Jacklyn and Ed suddenly feeling very alienated from one another.
Jacklyn had an acute, personal reaction to the Oct. 7 attack. She used the language of “we” when talking about the victims. She was a wreck. She felt that Ed seemed distant and disconnected, and he very quickly moved from concern for the victims of the Oct. 7 attacks to outrage at the rising number of civilian deaths in Gaza.
When pressed by Jacklyn, Ed eventually admitted to feeling that Israel had no right to exist. Jacklyn can’t see past it. She keeps saying “I’ve never felt more Jewish,” which he finds hard to understand. Now she is seriously concerned for their marriage.
The Prescription: This sounds very hard. For many — Jews and non-Jews alike — this is a time when boundaries between the world of the news and our most intimate worlds of home and family has come to feel porous. It’s a real problem, and you’re not alone.
It’s essential that you remember that those boundaries will not stay so permeable forever. The violence will end or at least wane, and ideological differences like that in your marriage will come to feel like important issues to talk through, but not problems so severe they could lead to divorce.
Patience is key. There will be relief in the future. It’s important to remember that — and it would be a mistake to make any big, long-term decisions about your marriage during a crisis moment of heightened anxiety and alienation.
That said, being seen and understood in your core identity is fundamental to a healthy relationship.
People change and evolve over time, and different aspects of our identities can become more pronounced — both because of personal events, like having a child or losing a parent, and because of world events like war, elections or natural disasters. Your experience of “never feeling more Jewish” is real, and may not change back to what it once was even when the news cycle shifts.
It is probably new for your partner to experience this side of you, and it may take some work to unpack his reaction to that and reach a comfortable place together.
This is a moment when external support, like that of a couples counselor, can be enormously helpful. It’s good to bring in a measured outside voice at moments when emerging sets of feelings and new experiences touch on some core differences between you. The alienation that you are both feeling can lead to resentments and create insurmountable conflict going forward; you want to be proactive in working to avoid that outcome. This is an opportunity to develop new abilities to talk through your differences, and to incorporate emerging personal changes within your relationship.
The two of you should look together for a counselor who seems like a good fit. Make an appointment for a few weeks from now so you know it’s there, on the horizon. And then create what I like to call a “migrash” — a parking lot. When these conflicts come up, before they become heated or too hurtful, put whatever the conflict is in the “migrash.” I suggest having a piece of paper or small notebook where the two of you write down those conflicts when they happen. You do not have to solve them or engage them at the moment they emerge. And you might find that briefly putting your problems aside, to address with a professional, helps them seem more manageable when you do turn back to them.
Let me know if you would like some referrals.
Are you struggling with a personal dilemma regarding Israel and its war with Hamas? Send a query to [email protected] and Libby may reach out to you for a future column or podcast.
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