Israel TherapyIsrael Therapy: No one in my office seems to care about the war or its effect on me
Help! My colleagues don’t seem to care about how the Israel-Hamas war affects me. Image by Yoav Einhar
Editor’s note: Israel Therapy helps people grapple with personal dilemmas and emotional issues around Israel. It will soon be a podcast produced in partnership with Reboot Studios and hosted by Libby Lenkinski, an Israeli-American who frequently fields questions from friends, colleagues and total strangers about how they feel about the latest news from the Holy Land. Send your Israel-related dilemma to [email protected].
The Patient: Michal is a social worker in her early 30s who has worked for four years in a career-counseling office in New York. She has lots of relatives in Israel and travels there multiple times a year. She lives in Harlem with her husband, who is an entrepreneur.
The Problem: Since Oct. 7, none of Michal’s colleagues have asked her how she is doing. At first, she thought people were tip-toeing because they understood her proximity to the immense loss. Then she thought they might be avoiding the subject for fear of political disagreements on the 10-person team. Now she is wondering if they just don’t care about her and her family, and is considering quitting.
The Prescription: This sounds really painful, and you are not alone — I am hearing from Israel-connected people like you as well as Palestinian friends that the world feels devoid of empathy for their pain. That is not true. You are not alone in the world. And there is no excuse for people ignoring tragedies for fear of political retribution, for fear of saying the wrong thing, or for any other reason. Voicing sympathy and inquiring about the feelings of people around you is the human and humane thing to do. Period.
Your colleagues have not done that. Which hurts. It is OK to feel pain about that, though of course that pain is not as acute, perhaps, as the pain of Israelis who survived the Oct. 7 attack or Palestinians living in a tent without clean water or enough food. But your pain is real, too.
I can’t begin to understand the reasons that people have for not checking in, but I’m reminded of what my father taught me about Occam’s razor: The simplest answer is often the right one. Maybe they do not know what you are going through or how you are feeling. So tell them.
It can be intimidating to share a need or a vulnerability in the workplace, and these are divisive, tricky times. If your organization has a human-resources department, I would start by alerting them to the fact that you are struggling with what is going on and that you don’t feel supported by the team. Make sure that this conversation is protected and off the record. I would then suggest reaching out to your supervisor. This could be the key to unlocking a different environment taking shape.
Try to keep the conversation focused on what you are experiencing, and leave out accusations about your co-workers, no matter how much they deserve it. For example, don’t say:
- I can’t believe you never asked me how I’m doing.
- It’s clear nobody on this team cares about me.
- I’m going to find a job with more personal support.
Instead, try something more like:
- I’m feeling very alone, and knowing you care about me and my family would really help me do better work at this time.
- I’m wondering if people on the team realize that I’m going through something terrible.
- A big part of my job satisfaction is the relationships with my colleagues. Do you have suggestions we could rebuild a sense of supportiveness on the team?
Of course it is possible that your worst fears about your colleagues are true: that they don’t care, that they hate Israel and all Israelis, that they are antisemites, that they genuinely don’t think Oct. 7 and its aftermath are a big deal. But I doubt it.
Regardless, letting your supervisor and some colleagues know you feel alienated, with a clear goal of rebuilding confidence in the relationships, is worthwhile. Either you will learn that they, too, have been struggling with the situation, or you’ll discover that this really is not the right professional home for you.
Telling people what you feel and what you need is the only way you can be sure they know. Plain and simple.
Are you struggling with a personal dilemma regarding Israel and its war with Hamas? Send a query to [email protected] and Libby may reach out to you for a future column or podcast.
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