Help! My Israeli family needs me — but I don’t know if I’m more useful there, or at home in New York. Photo by Yoav Einhar

The Patient: Tamar is an Israeli in her 40s who lives in Brooklyn with her wife and three dogs. Her father, a Holocaust survivor, mother, sisters and nieces and nephews all live in Israel. As did her 80-year-old aunt, who was shot in the head by Hamas terrorists on Oct. 7 while she was being evacuated on a golf cart from an assisted living facility at Kibbutz Be’eri. She died from her wounds about a week later. Tamar’s best friend’s brother-in-law, meanwhile, was killed defending another kibbutz near Gaza.

The Problem: For the first week after the attack, Tamar wanted to get on a plane to be in Israel. Then her sister, who has teenage children, said she might send the kids to stay with Tamar in New York. Then her aunt’s funeral happened as the war began to escalate. Hezbollah rockets were starting to land in Israel’s north, and it became hard to know what travel would be possible for her return.

Tamar cannot decide whether to stay or go. On the one hand, it’s safer here, and there are no guarantees that she’ll even be able to fly back, given the escalations. On the other, if it’s too dangerous for her, isn’t it too dangerous for her loved ones? Isn’t it better to be together?

The Prescription: This is impossibly hard. There is a political, ideological and ethical dimension to many of the dilemmas we are facing right now, but none of those feel like the best lens for this one. It’s a deeply personal choice.

So let this be personal. Try to approach it purely from the perspective of what feels right to you — and to them — not what would make for a well-argued essay or pithy Instagram story. Yes, we have been trained to view the personal as political and the political as personal, but for the purpose of deciding whether or not to travel to Israel to be with your grieving family during an active war, let’s forget the political dimension.

It is worth pausing and being grateful for the freedom of movement that we still have. That the violence is not too intense to travel, that both the U.S. and Israel are countries that allow it. Some facing similar situations right now, or in previous wars around the world, did not even have the choice, Perhaps recognizing that will unblock your decision. Gratitude can be a helpful tonic.

Also, try not to make assumptions about what other people would find comforting or burdensome. Instead, ask them. Would your relatives feel more comforted by your closeness or by knowing you’re safe far away? The answer to that may not be the same for every family — or each member of yours.

Does your sister need to feel that there’s a safe haven to which to send her kids with confidence that they will be cared for? Ask her.

Finally, don’t think only about the best-case scenarios, but what might not work out. This can easily veer into catastrophizing, but I would still recommend thinking about this choice in the context of what might happen next. How would you feel being separated from your family if the war intensifies further on multiple fronts? How would you feel not being in your own home?

Remember, too, that no travel choice is irreversible. You can buy a refundable ticket and change your mind up until the minute you buckle your seat belt. If you’re not ready to go today, you can go next week. And if you show up and feel like a burden, you can always come back early.

Are you struggling with a personal dilemma regarding Israel and its war with Hamas? Send a query to [email protected] and Libby may reach out to you for a future column or podcast.

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