The Soup Nazi’s Got Nothing On Gorka’s Goulash

Did you know that before Sebastian Gorka was exposed by this publication for allegedly having ties to groups allied to the Nazis in Hungary, he had a brief stint as a talk show chef? In June of 2016, he made a splash in the kitchen, on a cooking segment on “Fox and Friends.”

The overly jovial, overly enthusiastic host began the program saying, “He is a leading authority on topics like national security and terrorism, but today he is an expert in your tastebuds.”

“No, alleged friend of Nazi apologists, get out of my tastebuds,” was my immediate thought.

And then suddenly, like some kind of divine intervention or some kind of “ruach hakodesh” (divine inspiration), the producers of the show heard my thoughts: The strains of ominous classical music was heard as the host introduced Gorka.

Gorka was joined by his “very tall” (the host literally didn’t stop talking about his height) teenage son Paul, who had a greasy, awkwardly perched man bun (even his MAN BUN is vaguely Nazi-ish). At the time, Paul was 17 and wanted to study neurosurgery (which I will begrudgingly oblige is kind of cool).

Gorka, not being the Next Food Network Star, was obviously awkward as he tried to be fun and funny while browning the onions. Being fun and funny doesn’t seem natural to him, as his general solidness does better when trying to sound measured and political. He would even be better suited to soapbox punditry, loudly ranting against those who would tear him down. So when he said that if we’re “naughty boys” we could brown the onions in Crisco, I think that I speak for all viewers when I say that we inwardly cringed — and not just because he’s a dead ringer for Stewie Griffin if you close your eyes.

Next, Gorka instructed viewers to make the goulash in the most ghoulish way: “Ideally, you do this over a big fire in like a cauldron,” he said. This of course conjured imagery of other people who use cauldrons, like wart-faced witches who use them to make potions or, like Baba Yaga of Slavic folklore, to cook children.

On a positive note, his son mentioned another good use for this boiling cauldron: it makes a great weapon against a terrorist.

We finally get to the real secret behind his family goulash: caraway seeds. Which is disappointing only because I was expecting something far more sinister.

So what’s next Fox and Friends? Will there be a Purim special, “Hitler’s Hamentaschen Recipe?” And let’s not forget our other favorite alleged white supremacist at the White House, Steve Bannon. Surely, he should come on “Fox and Friends” touting his “Bannon’s Bagel Recipe” (white flour only, of course).

To be fair, the recipe actually looks delicious. And, if I’m really honest with myself, I would probably want to make a version of this dish (a kosher one, using oil or margarine in place of butter) to impress my Hungarian in-laws on Rosh Hashanah.

Click here for the recipe.

Michelle Honig is a writer at the Forward. Find her on Instagram and Twitter.

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The Soup Nazi’s Got Nothing On Gorka’s Goulash

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