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Hummus Milkshakes Are Now A Thing

Hummus milkshakes are the newest blight on the ever-changing landscape of Jewish food. Everywhere I turn, new horrors lurk, and new opportunities to make trendy, inedible abominations out of what was once a tasteful, carefully plated delight.

I speak, of course, about hummus, and about dessert, and never the twain shall meet.

But they have.

The Hummus and Pita Co. is to blame. For the low, low price of $5 you can sacrifice your dignity and suck hummus down your gullet through a straw.

To add insult to injury, the shakes come in flavors like strawberry and butter pecan. As if hummus needs added flavoring.

This obvious concession to trendiness made its debut in May. According to founder Dave Pesso and a widely distributed press release, it is formed of “a blended base of real chickpeas, tahini, banana, dates and almond milk. These ingredients are high in protein, fiber, vitamins and minerals but low in calories and contain healthy, natural fats.” A hummus smoothie may be many things, but natural it is not.

“Since launching our selection of dessert hummus last year to much fanfare, I was inspired to once again transform the Mediterranean ingredients found on the menu at The Hummus & Pita Co. into something new and unexpected,” Pesso said. Oh, Internet. Why did you encourage him? We’ve sunk into the ninth circle of hell, transgressing from dessert hummus to hummus smoothies.

The Hummus & Pita Co., along with Taylor Machines, designed a special recipe and machine dispenser for the adventurous plebeians who want to get wacky with their hummus. Godspeed, you rabble-rousers. Godspeed.

Shira Feder, mistress of hot takes, is semi-reachable at [email protected]

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