What do you call couples who live together, co-own pets and property, and celebrate the Sabbath with each other’s families, all without ever uttering “I do”? Journalist Hannah Seligson calls them “a little bit married” (ALBM), a term she coined after her own painful breakup and after watching her friends — urban, college-educated 20- and 30-somethings — build long-term monogamous relationships unbound by state law. The Forward’s Allison Gaudet Yarrow caught up with Seligson, whose new guide, “A Little Bit Married: How to Know When It’s Time To Walk Down the Aisle or Out the Door,” published in December by De Capo Lifelong Books, dissects this burgeoning trend.

Almost Married: Hannah Seligson says the long-term relationship is a new rite of passage. Image by DA CAPO LIFELONG BOOKS, HEIDI GREEN

Allison Gaudet Yarrow: The long-term relationship has become a rite of passage, like a first kiss. How did this happen?

Forwarding the News

Thoughtful, balanced reporting from the Forward and around the web, bringing you updated news and analysis each day.

Terms(Required)

I agree to the Forward's Terms of Service and Privacy Policy

Email(Required)

Hannah Seligson: We don’t have the same rush to meet the milestones of adulthood, so people think, “I have much longer to date and figure out marriage.”

What’s the difference between marriage in our parents’ generation and ours?

Women used to marry for two reasons: sex and money. It used to be too risky to have sex outside of marriage before the advent of the birth control pill.

How has money affected ALBM couples?

There has been a huge uptick in cohabitation since the recession. People are moving in to save costs.

Why is it important to discuss religion as a couple?

If he’s Jewish and she wants a Christmas tree, how are you going to feel about that when you’re married? How about raising kids? These huge issues must be discussed, and it’s easier when you are still at the negotiating table as opposed to at the altar.

How can you get around the timeline that you set or that friends or family set for you when it isn’t going to happen?

You can’t marry a clock. People think: “I’m 30. I thought I’d reach these milestones.” It’s not the way it used to be. If your goal is to get married but you’re waiting for the perfect person, maybe it’s time to rethink your expectations.

What are the signs couples should look for when it’s time for somebody to walk out the door?

If you’re not on the same page about the big life issues: religion, money, sex. If one person in the relationship doesn’t want to move forward.

Listen to the full interview with Hannah Seligson below:

The Forward is free to read, but it isn’t free to produce

I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward.

Now more than ever, American Jews need independent news they can trust, with reporting driven by truth, not ideology. We serve you, not any ideological agenda.

At a time when other newsrooms are closing or cutting back, the Forward has removed its paywall and invested additional resources to report on the ground from Israel and around the U.S. on the impact of the war, rising antisemitism and polarized discourse.

Readers like you make it all possible. Support our work by becoming a Forward Member and connect with our journalism and your community.

This is a great time to support independent Jewish journalism you rely on. Make a gift today!

—  Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO

Support our mission to tell the Jewish story fully and fairly.

$90 $180

$360

Other amount