Mommy’s Paycheck vs. Daddy’s
Graphic by Angelie Zaslavsky
By Elissa Strauss April 25, 2013
Last week on the New York Times’ parenting blog Motherlode, Jessica Grose wrote about why it is important for mothers to not, consciously or semi-consciously, earmark the money they earn for childcare expenses. She talks about how she started seeing her freelance writing assignments in terms of how many diapers or onesies they could cover, and then realized she had to stop.
She writes:
Ever since I realized I was unwittingly degrading my own work, I’ve been trying to unpack where these messages came from. …The only answer I can come up with is that I’ve somehow internalized the cultural message that says I am the one who should be primarily taking care of our child, and if I’m going to work, it’s up to me to pay for it.
I agree with Jessica that it is important for women not to degrade their work and earnings by thinking of it as only for child or home-related expenses while their partners pay for the “real stuff.” But I also want to point out that this is not only healthier for the mother, but for their partners too.
As others have written about before, the gendered division of expenses is as bad for the husband (or whoever is in the role traditionally played by husbands) as it is for the wife. If one partner thinks paying the mortgage and putting food on the table is entirely his or her responsibility, while the other partner has to only worry the more “frivolous” expenses, this puts an undue burden on the one working full-time. By thinking of money as “our money” and expenses as “our expenses,” both partners are freed.
Also, when partners both see themselves as responsible for everything, the things that once seemed “frivolous” might starting to feel less so. The “husband” partners will have a vested interest in what exactly is inside all those Diapers.com boxes and become more engaged in the many decisions one must make daily when raising a child. This raises the value of domestic and childcare work overall, because both parents work together to figure out the best way to pay for and raise children within their means.
If we really want to move towards giving both parents a better shot at having a life outside the home, we have to make sure there is shared responsibility of what goes on inside the home. Money is a great place to start.
Follow Elissa Strauss on Twitter at @elissaavery
This is a moment of great uncertainty. Here’s what you can do about it.
We hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, we’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s independent Jewish news this Passover. All donations are being matched by the Forward Board - up to $100,000.
This is a moment of great uncertainty for the news media, for the Jewish people, and for our sacred democracy. It is a time of confusion and declining trust in public institutions. An era in which we need humans to report facts, conduct investigations that hold power to account, tell stories that matter and share honest discourse on all that divides us.
With no paywall or subscriptions, the Forward is entirely supported by readers like you. Every dollar you give this Passover is invested in the future of the Forward — and telling the American Jewish story fully and fairly.
The Forward doesn’t rely on funding from institutions like governments or your local Jewish federation. There are thousands of readers like you who give us $18 or $36 or $100 each month or year.
Support our mission to tell the Jewish story fully and fairly.
