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24 Yiddish Curses For Jared Kushner Now That He Has A Security Clearance

Editor’s note: The following is a satirical piece.

Dear Jared,

Mazel tov on finally getting your security clearance after 18 months of working in the administration and despite myriad conflicts of interest! When I told my bubbe about it, she began to curse in Yiddish — and asked me to translate her thoughts.

May every endeavor you engage in have the success of 666 5th Avenue.

May you piss in a soup bowl and eat matzoh balls from a toilet.

May you grow allergic to every detergent, even the organic ones.

May Ivanka earnestly suggest the name “Shanda” for your next child.

May you grow a belly too large for you to close your Kevlar vest.

May your handshakes always be clammy and your kisses always dry.

May your elbows turn into potatoes while your family is making latkes.

May you be thrown alive into a vat of hungry Pepe frogs.

May your hairline recede like your influence in the Administration.

May your relationship with Bibi sour like a kosher pickle.

May you be tasked with explaining the entire Torah to Eric Trump.

May every piece of gefilte fish turn to ashes in your mouth.

May Betsy DeVos homeschool your children.

May your Saudi contacts forget your number, but remember every time you insulted them.

May Ivanka’s perfume always smell like cholent farts to you.

May your bank loans vanish overnight like the executive branch’s accountability.

May your cake taste like Passover “cake” all year long.

May you be forced to give the daily White House press briefing.

May flocks of hungry crows forever disturb your Shabbos naps.

May every shell company you make collapse on itself like a badly made kugel.

May your teeth each get trademarks in China, then fall out one by one.

May you be condemned to only ever eat supermarket bagels, the kind they sell next to English muffins.

May the full knowledge of what you have done to your country come to you all at once at 3am on a Tuesday.

May your children know who you really are.

Talia Lavin is a fact checker for the New Yorker and a Forward columnist writing about Jews in American politics.

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