24 Yiddish Curses For Jared Kushner Now That He Has A Security Clearance by the Forward

24 Yiddish Curses For Jared Kushner Now That He Has A Security Clearance

Image by Getty Images
Editor’s note: The following is a satirical piece.

Dear Jared,

Mazel tov on finally getting your security clearance after 18 months of working in the administration and despite myriad conflicts of interest! When I told my bubbe about it, she began to curse in Yiddish — and asked me to translate her thoughts.

May every endeavor you engage in have the success of 666 5th Avenue.

May you piss in a soup bowl and eat matzoh balls from a toilet.

May you grow allergic to every detergent, even the organic ones.

May Ivanka earnestly suggest the name “Shanda” for your next child.

May you grow a belly too large for you to close your Kevlar vest.

May your handshakes always be clammy and your kisses always dry.

May your elbows turn into potatoes while your family is making latkes.

May you be thrown alive into a vat of hungry Pepe frogs.

May your hairline recede like your influence in the Administration.

May your relationship with Bibi sour like a kosher pickle.

May you be tasked with explaining the entire Torah to Eric Trump.

May every piece of gefilte fish turn to ashes in your mouth.

May Betsy DeVos homeschool your children.

May your Saudi contacts forget your number, but remember every time you insulted them.

May Ivanka’s perfume always smell like cholent farts to you.

May your bank loans vanish overnight like the executive branch’s accountability.

May your cake taste like Passover “cake” all year long.

May you be forced to give the daily White House press briefing.

May flocks of hungry crows forever disturb your Shabbos naps.

May every shell company you make collapse on itself like a badly made kugel.

May your teeth each get trademarks in China, then fall out one by one.

May you be condemned to only ever eat supermarket bagels, the kind they sell next to English muffins.

May the full knowledge of what you have done to your country come to you all at once at 3am on a Tuesday.

May your children know who you really are.

Talia Lavin is a fact checker for the New Yorker and a Forward columnist writing about Jews in American politics.

The views and opinions expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect those of the Forward.

24 Yiddish Curses For Jared Kushner

Author

Talia Lavin

Talia Lavin

Talia Lavin is a fact checker for the New Yorker and a Forward columnist writing about Jews in American politics.

Your Comments

The Forward welcomes reader comments in order to promote thoughtful discussion on issues of importance to the Jewish community. All readers can browse the comments, and all Forward subscribers can add to the conversation. In the interest of maintaining a civil forum, The Forward requires that all commenters be appropriately respectful toward our writers, other commenters and the subjects of the articles. Vigorous debate and reasoned critique are welcome; name-calling and personal invective are not and will be deleted. Egregious commenters or repeat offenders will be banned from commenting. While we generally do not seek to edit or actively moderate comments, our spam filter prevents most links and certain key words from being posted and the Forward reserves the right to remove comments for any reason.

Recommend this article

24 Yiddish Curses For Jared Kushner Now That He Has A Security Clearance

Thank you!

This article has been sent!

Close