I’m Moving Back to Kiryas Joel
Getty Images // Families in Kiryas Joel
Recently, while sitting at a relative’s wedding in Kiryas Joel and picking at the soggy stuffing under the skin of the chicken thigh and listening to the gossip around me, I had an epiphany: I really, badly miss Kiryas Joel.
So, when I got home and kicked off my heels, I took to the Forward website and quickly, before I had any regrets, compiled a list of comments from my articles that prophesied this moment — the moment of guilt and nostalgia for a place that birthed me and gave me boundless love, affection and freedom.
“since u fled kj y do u still look back and makeing fun of them?? this is a sign that u still have feelings for ur hometown and and family…….” wrote on commenter.
Sir, thank you, thank you. Rest assured, I will no longer look back and be “makeing” fun of them. I do have feelings for my hometown, which is why I’m returning. I just hope my husband and children won’t be too sad that I abandoned them.
“Frimet is trying to beat down her guilt by beating up on Satmar… Get a life, Frimet, or find yourself another scapegoat!” wrote another.
I’m guilty as charged. I do not have a life and I was actively looking for scapegoats. But all that is over now. I listened to the loud voices of guilt telling me the reason I write is because I am guilt-ridden and the reason I don’t have scapegoats is because I have a life.
Anyway, I don’t mean to bore you with all this nonsense. The point is, I am returning to Kiryas Joel. I have contacted all said commenters who have agreed to help me shave my head and shop for new clothing and scapegoats. One man even volunteered to buy me a Jaguar — the car most rich Satmar women drive these days.
You have nothing to worry about, my dear commenters. I will no longer be exploited by the Forward to write sensationalistic articles about Chasidim and Orthodoxy. At first I was happy when I moved to Airmont, but then I grew mortified when I saw myself wearing jeans and uncovering my hair. One commenter said if you had to choose a life for your daughter between Kiryas Joel and growing up Conservative/secular in Westchester as you did, you would choose Kiryas Joel. To that I say, good for you! Give me a holler when you have that daughter and I’ll come pick you up with my Jag and take you back to KJ. I will never again throw out babies with bathwater. I do so very much love the bathwater.
In conclusion, and because this is the last piece I will write before I am liberated from this prison outside Kiryas Joel, I thank you for reading my columns. A special thanks to the commenters who made me see the light and brought me back to my roots, the roots beginning to grow out of my breezy buzz cut.
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