Four years ago, author Ayelet Waldman wrote in a New York Times essay, “I love my husband more than my children.” And she was pilloried.
In May, she came out with “Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace,” a new bestselling book from Doubleday that extolls the virtues — with all its conflicts — of modern motherhood as an exercise in laxity. And now, she said, “All I get is, ‘Amen, sister.’”
She isn’t alone. Waldman’s book is one of a new batch of “momoirs” hitting the shelves, written by Jewish women who cop to being a certain kind of “bad mother.”
Not the really bad kind, of course, like the postpartum-depressed and psychotic woman who drowned her children, or the distracted, overwhelmed mother who accidentally killed her 2-year-old by leaving her in a locked car in a hot parking lot all day.
No, we’re talking more the garden-variety, middle-class. hyper-self-aware type of bad mommies for whom confessional writing is the best kind of catharsis. And in the process of confessing their shortcomings and anxieties, these writers are also turning the stereotype of the hovering, demanding Jewish mother on its outdated head.
“The culture caught up with the idea that crazy, obsessive parenting is destructive to both you and your family,” Waldman said. “About a year ago, you saw all these articles about managing children. Then the economy collapsed. All these boomers created children who are completely insufferable. Their self-esteem was valued more than anything else in the world, and now reality is showing us that the world doesn’t work that way.”
These books seem to mark the beginning of a backlash against the pressure on women — especially middle-class women — to do it all, to do it all at once and to do it well. It’s not easy to parent without the benefit of support from government or extended family, to work to be able to pay the rent or mortgage and still send the kids to camp, and to still have a good marriage, let alone a moment just to breathe. As a result, it seems, the stereotypical Jewish mother is throwing in the towel.
“When we talk about being ‘bad mommies,’ we are really rebelling against the idea that there’s a right way to do everything,” said Lenore Skenazy, another member of this author cohort.
Skenazy was raked over the mommy blogger coals when she wrote in a 2008 column in the now defunct New York Sun that she allowed her 9-year-old son to take a solo trip on the New York City subways. Her new volume is a combination memoir and advice book, titled “Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts With Worry,” published in April by Jossey-Bass.
The irony is that this bevy of Jewish mothers appears to be leading the way out of the Jewish mother stereotype just as American women as a whole have adopted it as their own.
“Our Jewish mother was like a toxic virus that we spread to American culture and the rest of the world,” Waldman said. “We turned the entire Western world into a society of Jewish mothers. Everyone feels just as guilty and overprotective as Jewish mothers always have been.”
According to Deborah Copaken Kogan, author of the forthcoming “Hell Is Other Parents: And Other Tales of Maternal Combustion,” slated for publication in August by Voice/Hyperion: “It has nothing to do with religion anymore. It’s societal and particularly American at this point. Believe me, my French girlfriends are not buying kneepads for their crawling babies” to protect their knees, as enough Americans do to keep this item stocked at Buy Buy Baby.
The relatively new notion of “helicopter parenting” seems like an extension of the longstanding Jewish mother image.
That stereotype emerged in literature through such works as Bernard Malamud’s early stories from the 1940s and ’50s, which are filled with Jewish women who did little more than castigate their husbands, and through Philip Roth’s character Sophie Portnoy, the emasculating, overbearing Jewish mother of his 1969 novel “Portnoy’s Complaint,” who was fixated on what her son consumed and excreted.
The stereotype saturated pop culture when television writers created overbearing, smothering maternal characters like Rhoda’s mother, Ida Morgenstern, on the 1970s “Mary Tyler Moore” spin-off “Rhoda,” and mousy Doris’s pushy stage mother in the 1980 movie “Fame.” More recently, George Costanza’s and Jerry Seinfeld’s mothers on the latter’s eponymous show have reinforced the image.
Jewish comedians like Judy Gold and Sarah Silverman still use the “Jewish mother” shtick as part of their routines — and get lots of laughs.
But Sylvia Barack Fishman, author of “Follow My Footprints: Changing Images of Women in Jewish Fiction,” published in 1992 by Brandeis University Press, says that a whole new generation of Jewish authors — female and male — are writing very different Jewish women into their fictional works, more like the Yiddish writers did at the turn of the past century: strong and creative.
This new generation of Jewish women is visible in the respective protagonists of Allegra Goodman’s “Kaaterskill Falls” and Myla Goldberg’s “Bee Season.” There are also secondary characters in books by male Jewish novelists, like Bina in “The Yiddish Policemen’s Union” by Michael Chabon (Waldman’s husband), and Lillian in Nathan Englander’s “The Ministry of Special Cases.”
That, however, is fiction. When it comes to nonfiction, Jill Lepore, in a recent New Yorker essay titled “The Parent Trap,” decries what she calls these “ersatz confession” books, and says we ought to turn our energy to changing the law so that it better supports parenting.
“Employers are seldom asked to accommodate family life in any meaningful way; employees do all the accommodating, which mainly involves, especially for women, pretending that we don’t actually have families,” Lepore writes. “Everyone has a story about how painful that is… we’ve all got stories to tell, but stories aren’t going to rewrite employment law.”
In an attendant podcast on the Web site of The New Yorker, Lepore says that immersing ourselves in this sort of writing “sort of saps away one’s energy to think about a broader kind of change. We’ve been coached into this ‘confessions of parental ineptitude’ model, and we don’t actually make a good political activist group. We make good consumers. And then we age out of the issue.”
She has a point.
But the authors of these new “mamafestos” also have a point: that we will do much better if we try to take a step back from the over-parenting that has been so in vogue for the past 15 years — and our children certainly will.
To be sure, the stereotype of the Jewish mother is not yet dead. She recently emerged in a very 21st-century incarnation, as an iPhone app called “The Jewish Mother.” Buy the app, and a cartoon with frizzy hair and big glasses will chide you day and night.
After all, as Waldman said: “The pendulum is swinging the other way just a little. It’s just started, so let’s not get too excited.”
Contact Debra Nussbaum Cohen at feedback@forward.com
The Forward welcomes reader comments in order to promote thoughtful discussion on issues of importance to the Jewish community. In the interest of maintaining a civil forum, the Forward requires that all commenters be appropriately respectful toward our writers, other commenters and the subjects of the articles. Vigorous debate and reasoned critique are welcome; name-calling and personal invective are not. While we generally do not seek to edit or actively moderate comments, the Forward reserves the right to remove comments for any reason.
Copyright © 2013, Forward Association, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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Actually, no, this does not represent a sea change or a backlash against the overbearing "Jewish mother" stereotype. It's just another angle on the same thing. It's like an ironic t-shirt, where hipsters embrace "hokey" and "passe" and "uncool" things and thus show just how extra-cool they really are. In this case, similarly, being a "bad mommy" is good, and being an unironic "good mommy" is bad. Hipster irony 101, folks.
Nothing has changed. A woman who really is a bad mother or even just a middling, mediocre mother cannot embrace "bad mommy" chic. You have to be an overachiever to start with, or the irony falls flat. You have to be one of the "Birthing from Within" class types who buys stuff at urban baby boutiques and reads lots of "parenting lit" and obsesses over how many hours of TV/are cheerios ok/meeting the milestones sort of things. And you HAVE to be judgmental of other mothers, too. That's not changing, either. Except now, those bad-good mommies don't have as passionate of a marriage, aren't as hip and cool and evolved, and are smothering their children with their egotistical need to be caretakers. AND they're probably still not pushing hard enough for that gifted program, to boot.
This whole "trend" is just more pre-digested media nonsense pushed at women to stop us from actually thinking and feeling.
Rahel, are you ever right! It's all this phony-baloney "I'm a free-range Mommy, now" garbage, which, when combined with this giant recession, will continue to gsin momentum. My wife, Korean-American (her signature line, "I'm not a Jew, but I am Jew-ish") is the quintessential Jewish Mother, and our Jewish daughter is the better for it.
I think a lot of these books, confessions, blogs, etc. really show that the maternal guilt thing is alive and well. We can't just relax and be relaxed about our parenting - we have to shout from the rooftops that we're relaxed, argue in favor of relaxing, write books about the many ways in which we and our children and husbands and societies will benefit if we relax our parenting... Who are we trying to convince, if not ourselves?
i'm so happy that deborah reminded me of doris's crazed mother in Fame -- i haven't thought about her in years!
i completely agree with Rahel and Sarah -- most of the people claiming the Bad Mommy mantle are still hyper-competitive, anxious scorekeepers. they're loudly opting out while continuing to play the game. i wish we could embrace the idea that good mommying *is* imperfect and not all-consuming. i wrote about this in Tablet a few weeks ago: http://www.tabletmag.com/life-and-religion/8082/the-mommy-wars/
Sad this had to turn from comments on a Forward story into Who's a Jew. Though this remans a continuous bone of contention, let me assure you we Reform Jews out in the wilds of California are doing just fine with our Jewishness. Isn't it ironic that there's a great big world full of pre-conceived notions and anti-semitism that views my little girl as a Jew -- but a small number of narrow-minded Jews don't. When the time comes again for us all to stand together, I have a feeling the Adinas of the world will be looking for all the help they can get.
Well said Matt. Sounds as though your daughter is being raised to be a great Jew!
Adina. You are very judgemental and I am disappointed that you feel you have to express your intolerance to intermarrriage in a public forum. As an Orthodox Jewish woman I am deeply ashamed and disappointed by your approach and your need to put someone down. Clearly you have no understanding of Halacha by behaving in this way. According to Halacha, embarrasing someone publicly is considered worse than killing them. Clearly your attitiudes point to your own insecurities both as a mother and as a person.
And "Understand". Stop with the bloodline paranoia about blond Jews. I sure lots of women were raped by Cosacks at some point in our past. There is no such thing as a completely 100% Kosher Jew!!
Is there an article involving Generation Y that isn't stupid? Of course there must be - but this isn't one of them.
Here's what this article tells me. The insufferable Gen Y was created when the entire United States adopted the Jewish style of motherhood.
How the non-Jews became infected with this cultural virus is not clear. It might have something to do with Rhoda and Seinfeld.
Whatever the means of transmission, the pushy helicopter parents who drop in like paratroopers to negotiate their children's salaries have their spiritual roots in New York.
But if Gen Y is awful and it's a product ultimately of Jewish culture, what does that say about the Jews who have been living with the Jewish mother for some time? Obviously nothing good.
This is total nonsense. First of all, Gen Y isn't that different from the baby boomers who were supposedly created by Benjamin Spock. And secondly, how many Jewish mothers do you know who are "Jewish mothers"?
The only one I know is the guilt-mongering old woman in the joke who's waiting for her kids to change the light bulb : "No, it's okay, you don't have to come. I'll sit in the dark."
QUOTATIONS FROM THE ARTICLE
All these boomers created children who are completely insufferable.
The relatively new notion of “helicopter parenting” seems like an extension of the longstanding Jewish mother image.
The irony is that this bevy of Jewish mothers appears to be leading the way out of the Jewish mother stereotype just as American women as a whole have adopted it...
“Our Jewish mother was like a toxic virus that we spread to American culture and the rest of the world,” Waldman said.
“We turned the entire Western world into a society of Jewish mothers. Everyone feels just as guilty and overprotective as Jewish mothers always have been.”
“...crazy, obsessive parenting is destructive to both you and your family,” Waldman said.
The Forward continues wih their censorship and their hatred toward Jewish women. My comments, which were aboslutely tru,e are deleted but comments that attacked me were left standing. THE FORWARD IS A RADICAL, SECULAR, ANTI-JEWISH WOMEN ANTI-SEMITIC NEWSPAPER WHICH FALSELY CLAIMS TO BE JEWISH.
MATT P'S DAUGHTER IS NOT A JEW! ONLY JEWISH WOMEN CAN RAISE JEWISH CHILDREN! ANYONE WHO THINKS OTHERWISE IS AN ANTI-SEMITE WHO HATES JEWISH WOMEN!
Adina-
I lived in Japan for 5 years and did travel to Korea. As far as culture goes Asia and jews have alot a like. I can understand what Matt P is trying to say. he admits that his wife says she is not jewish. But she can have the same traits. What is important. Good education, eating well, etc.... That is not antisemite statement.
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SN-38 is subsequently conjugated predominantly by the enzyme UDP-glucuronosyl transferase 1A1 (UGT1A1) to form a glucuronide metabolite. UGT1A1 activity is reduced in individuals with genetic polymorphisms that lead to reduced enzyme activity such as the UGT1A1*28 polymorphism. Approximately 10% of the North American population is homozygous for the UGT1A1*28 allele. In a prospective study, in which irinotecan was administered as a single-agent on a once-every-3-week schedule, patients who were homozygous for UGT1A1*28 had a higher exposure to SN-38 than patients with the wild-type UGT1A1 allele (See section-9 WARNINGS] and section-13 DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION]). SN-38 glucuronide had 1/50 to 1/100 the activity of SN-38 in cytotoxicity assays using two cell lines in vitro. The disposition of irinotecan has not been fully elucidated in humans. The urinary excretion of irinotecan is 11% to 20%; SN-38, <1%; and SN-38 glucuronide, 3%. 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