Life

Bintel Brief: Lisa Loeb Says Honesty Is the Best Policy

By Lisa Loeb January 29, 2008

Dear Lisa,

Not too long ago, a friend set me up on a blind date. Being a very shy person, I was naturally a bit nervous. But the guy was perfectly nice, and we had a pleasant conversation. There was no chemistry between us, however, which I recognized at the time, and so I planned to pursue it no further. Nevertheless, I left the evening somewhat encouraged because it was my first date in quite some time, and it wasn’t a painfully awkward experience — we managed to find things to talk about for a few hours and closed the evening on a friendly note. I told my friend that I appreciated the set-up.

Within the next day or so, I received an e-mail from the date. Though the e-mail was in theory a nice note — he was following up on some music suggestions I had mentioned — he also made a point to say that maybe we could hang out again sometime “as friends.” Now this, to me, was infuriating, like he was beating me to the rejection punch or something.

I had not contacted him, and so apparently his purpose in writing was to convey that he was not interested. Before receiving this e-mail, I felt there was no need for rejection until a second date was proposed. Was I wrong about that? Was there any way I could have saved face in my response to him and conveyed that the rejection was mutual without simply sounding like sour grapes?

Thanks for your thoughts on this matter.

BEATEN TO THE PUNCH

Lisa Loeb replies:

Please read the letter that you sent to me. It sounds like you’re sending mixed messages to others and yourself, but mainly to yourself.

If you really want to meet someone, then give a guy a chance. If you have some good conversation, definitely go on the second date.

Also, if you didn’t really like the guy, then try not to take it so hard that he was letting you know it didn’t work out romantically for him either.

You can’t have it both ways. If you’re interested in him at all, go ahead and hang out with him “as friends” another time. Maybe something will become more clear or change or “click” for you guys.

Also, I think it’s actually really kind that he wrote something to be clear. He was probably just trying to be straightforward and not leave you hanging. That’s good manners. Good luck, and remember, most people are shy. You can always say that you’re shy. Sometimes it’s a great ice breaker.

Lisa Loeb is a Grammy-nominated singer-songwriter whose hit single “Stay (I Missed You)” topped the charts. In 2006, she came out with a compilation album, “The Very Best of Lisa Loeb,” and launched her own E! reality series, “#1 Single,” which followed her as she looked for love. This month, she is revisiting her roots with a double-disc reissue of her 1992 debut, “The Purple Tape,” featuring original acoustic versions of some of her classics.

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