Little Aubrey Drake Graham turned 31 this week and demonstrated that he is, beyond a reasonable doubt, a man. Rapper Drake rang in 31 (13 if you go the Hebrew-reading direction) with a “Re-Bar Mitzvah” at Poppy in Los Angeles.
The theme? Sports.
The decorations? Pictures of Drake’s face as a child on a poster guests were encouraged to sign.
The guests? Mostly popular kids. (Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Kelly Rowland and Lamar Odom.)
Did Drake’s dad perform several probably cute but embarrassing songs to honor his son? Yes.
Did Drake serve dip ‘n dots and pizza? Yes.
Did Drake hire hype-dancers and then ask them to dress in cheerleader outfits? Yes, he did.
But what else went on behind closed doors on Monday night? Was Drake allowed to invite his whole class? Was Cotton Eye Joe played ironically or genuinely?
Here are 13 things we sincerely hope happened at the party:
1.A chair dance
2.Drake giving a d’var Torah beginning with the words, “The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines rap as…”
3.A candle lighting ceremony ignored by most
4.A craft table where guests made rustic mezuzot out of literal rebar steel
5.Slow dances to “Burn” by Usher
6.Drake receiving copies of “As A Driven Leaf” and “The Chosen” from relatives
7.Guests dancing to a remixed version of the haftarah blessings
8.Lamar Odom winning limbo
9.Guests going to the bathroom in large groups based on gender
10.A relative giving a long, detailed speech about Drake’s bris
11.Tobey Maguire concussed by a flying glow stick
12.A Rabbi trying to encourage teenagers to stay in Hebrew school after their b’nai mitzvot
Just a run of the mill BM party
Can’t wait to see what you come up with for double Chai, Drake! May you go from strength to strength.
Jenny Singer is a writer for the Forward. You can reach her at Singer@forward.com or on Twitter @jeanvaljenny