Skip To Content
JEWISH. INDEPENDENT. NONPROFIT.
Culture

My Guinea Pig’s Bar Mitzvah: What We Learned

It seemed appropriate to plan our guinea pig’s bar mitzvah for the Purim weekend.

My daughter is an eager new attendee at Hebrew school and can’t wait to be bat mitzvah. Given her age she has a few years to wait, but she decided that, at 25 months, Snickers the guinea pig had reached the age of majority. Also, conveniently, she claims her “son” is already fluent in guinea-pig Hebrew, so he was able to “learn” his piece quickly and without the need to ever attend any classes.

We invited guests, ran through the plans for the ceremony and had an anticipatory chuckle. The event was supposed to resemble a brief, jokey version of the coming of age ceremony. What I didn’t expect was how similar to a real bar mitzvah the tensions would be.

Decisions had to be made, from catering (we honored Snickers’ dietary preference by staying vegetarian) to guests (we did stretch to invite both of Snickers’ friends Rosie the hamster and Marshall the guinea pig — but I fear the Canadian cousins are broyges at not being invited).

Preparations took days, during which many conversations took place about obligations of bar mitzvahs, sacredness of certain objects and other rites of passage. One dear guest during the weeks leading up to the simcha wondered to my daughter whether Snickers had been circumcised — whether the bar mitzvah was coming between a bris and a huppah — and spent a difficult few minutes avoiding having to explain circumcision.

Concrete preparations involved not only making his bar mitzvah suit, tallis and a tallis bag, but constructing a “Torah scroll” and planning the ceremony. (Please note: no real Hebrew or sacred objects were used in the making of this ceremony.)

The day dawned cold. My wife, who had planned and catered the event with unwavering good humor, woke up with a debilitating virus and had to text emergency helpers from across the city. Rosie sent her regrets, it would be too chilly for her to get across town.

By the afternoon things were getting tense. I would have to leave work earlier than planned for unexpected errands. Snickers might not be feeling well — would he be able to do his bit at all? My daughters had to finish their after-school activities and then help with the last few details, no guarantee that we could rely on them. And, to top it off, one of the honored guests — along with her father who was supposed to have an aliyah — dropped out in the afternoon because of another engagement.

Eventually everyone turned up. My wife struggled out of her sick bed for the ceremony before collapsing back into it halfway through the meal. We solved the perennial problems of seating — we both had enough cushions and everyone sat next to friends.

Marshall’s aliyah at Snickers’ bar mitzvah. Image by Dan Friedman

And then Snickers came out. He behaved delightfully, refrained from toilet the whole time, posed for pictures and did a great job of reading from his scroll. His hutch-mate Marshall performed his aliyah perfectly. Everyone was impressed with Snickers — especially the brevity of his speech (and the lack of any other speeches). Crucially, there was plenty to eat.

Job done. Today he is a man. (Or adult guinea pig).

Today I Am A Pig: Snickers gives his bar mitzvah speech. Image by Dan Friedman

Now we know how to do it, full speed ahead to human bat mitzvahs — via, of course, our neph-dog’s “bark mitzvah.”

Dan Friedman is the executive editor of the Forward. Follow him on Twitter @danfriedmanme

A message from our CEO & publisher Rachel Fishman Feddersen

I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s award-winning, nonprofit journalism during this critical time.

At a time when other newsrooms are closing or cutting back, the Forward has removed its paywall and invested additional resources to report on the ground from Israel and around the U.S. on the impact of the war, rising antisemitism and polarized discourse..

Readers like you make it all possible. Support our work by becoming a Forward Member and connect with our journalism and your community.

—  Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO

Join our mission to tell the Jewish story fully and fairly.

Republish This Story

Please read before republishing

We’re happy to make this story available to republish for free, unless it originated with JTA, Haaretz or another publication (as indicated on the article) and as long as you follow our guidelines. You must credit the Forward, retain our pixel and preserve our canonical link in Google search.  See our full guidelines for more information, and this guide for detail about canonical URLs.

To republish, copy the HTML by clicking on the yellow button to the right; it includes our tracking pixel, all paragraph styles and hyperlinks, the author byline and credit to the Forward. It does not include images; to avoid copyright violations, you must add them manually, following our guidelines. Please email us at [email protected], subject line “republish,” with any questions or to let us know what stories you’re picking up.

We don't support Internet Explorer

Please use Chrome, Safari, Firefox, or Edge to view this site.