Skip To Content
JEWISH. INDEPENDENT. NONPROFIT.
Life

I’m One Hot Chani

Image by nate lavey

As an Orthodox woman, I understand the unique challenges men, especially Orthodox men, face daily in controlling their beastly sexual impulses. I understand because I live with a man. An Orthodox man.

Men, before you get all riled up about my sexist statement, allow me to explain. In a recent article, blogger PopChassid addresses this issue.

“Dear women,” he writes, “I have a request…I would like to ask you to dress modestly…I’ve come to accept something about myself. That inside of me is something dark. Something disturbing. It’s the evil, conniving side of me…It’s what I call my friggin’ bastard within…It’s the side of me that turns people into objects. Especially women… I need to work not to objectify you no matter what. Even if you’re dressed in a bikini or even, for some reason, running around naked. But here’s the thing: just like anything in my life, whether it’s not gossiping or getting angry or anything else — I screw up. I screw up a lot. That’s who I am, that’s who (I’m guessing) you are, and that’s who everyone else. I’m a screwup. It’s my natural state of existence.”

To this I say, Amen, screwup. Women are objectified by friggin’ bastards, all the time. And men have to deal with this, all the time.

That is simply not fair.

You see, as someone who disposed of many of the stringent Hasidic modesty rules, I can attest to the fact that immodest women are objects. In fact, I am constantly objectified by many disturbing, dark, and evil men. For instance, when I dress in a bikini and run around naked (which happens all the time), men need to work that much harder to control their urges.

But, here’s the thing: just like anything in my life — whether it’s not flashing my next door neighbor, or putting on clothing in the morning, or anything else — I screw up. I screw up a lot. It’s my natural state of existence, and I can’t help it.

Before you write me off as a joke, hear me out. I have a suggestion to you, Popper (can I call you that?), and to all struggling bastardly men out there:

Take your request a step further. Demand that women all over (that includes you, Pamela Anderson!) dress according to the tznius standards of the queens of modesty — Satmar women.

The attire for Satmar women is consciously designed with evil men in mind. Women wear long-sleeved refrigerator boxes, short wigs or shpitzels (synthetic hair rolled up into a sausage-shaped accessory, usually worn underneath a scarf, so that only one round inch shows), and bulletproof stockings — which acquired their name from the famous and heroic story of the late Satmar Rebbe, Yoel Teitelbaum, who, in order to ascertain the thickness of his signature stockings, had his gabbai shoot through them with a Glock 22, while he wore them on his legs.

What are the benefits of dressing like Satmar women, you may ask. Well, as a former Satmar, I can assure you they are numerous. No Satmar man ever struggles with impure thoughts; he never has to see a pair of elbows that isn’t his wife’s; he also never has weird things happening you know where because of a woman, unless it is in his bedroom — with his wife.

They are the true bas yisroels — the pious gatekeepers of Hashem’s Torah, his children, heck, even his world.

But, I know, this may not be possible for everyone. So — my other suggestion to you is to advocate for modesty standards that comply with those of the so-called ‘Hot Chanis’. One commenter suggested they are as immodest as shiksas. That is false. In fact, men all over prefer tight skirts over pants and $3,000 styled-to-perfection wigs over temperamental hair. ‘Sheitle Hookers’ are perhaps not as modest as Satmar women, but they certainly dress for their husbands and not for other beastly men. I have spoken to some of them and they are completely befuddled by the assertion that they are trying to reel in other men.

PopChassid, as a formerly-Satmar and currently naked Orthodox woman, I ask that you please consider my suggestion. I honestly believe you will be doing women, and especially the women close to you, a great service if you do.

A message from our CEO & publisher Rachel Fishman Feddersen

I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s award-winning, nonprofit journalism during this critical time.

At a time when other newsrooms are closing or cutting back, the Forward has removed its paywall and invested additional resources to report on the ground from Israel and around the U.S. on the impact of the war, rising antisemitism and polarized discourse..

Readers like you make it all possible. Support our work by becoming a Forward Member and connect with our journalism and your community.

—  Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO

Join our mission to tell the Jewish story fully and fairly.

Republish This Story

Please read before republishing

We’re happy to make this story available to republish for free, unless it originated with JTA, Haaretz or another publication (as indicated on the article) and as long as you follow our guidelines. You must credit the Forward, retain our pixel and preserve our canonical link in Google search.  See our full guidelines for more information, and this guide for detail about canonical URLs.

To republish, copy the HTML by clicking on the yellow button to the right; it includes our tracking pixel, all paragraph styles and hyperlinks, the author byline and credit to the Forward. It does not include images; to avoid copyright violations, you must add them manually, following our guidelines. Please email us at [email protected], subject line “republish,” with any questions or to let us know what stories you’re picking up.

We don't support Internet Explorer

Please use Chrome, Safari, Firefox, or Edge to view this site.