Redacted Bible Stories: Yael
Graphic by Angelie Zaslavsky
“Giaele e Sisara” by Artemisia Gentileschi via wikicommons
Yael: who’s there?
Sisera: it’s me!!! Sisera!!! help!!!
Yael: u woke me up
Sisera: it’s…the middle of the day
Yael: wtvr. What’re u doing here in the middle of the day
Sisera: Barak’s chasing me — he’s trying to kill me!
Yael: well, you did just lose to him in battle
Sisera: yes but —
Yael: & before that, u kinda totally oppressed his ppl for 20 yrs
Sisera: true, but —
Yael: so I guess you can come in
Sisera: I can??
Yael: drags cigarette sure. Ur ruthless. I admire that in a man. Besides, what r friends for, right?
Sisera: thank u!! ohhhh thank u!!! how can I ever thank you. My mom will thank u…King Yavin will thank u —
Yael: king who?
Sisera: King Yavin. U know, of the Caananite lands and tribes, of which I am War General and with which your husband Heber has a treaty to —
Yael: yawns wtvr.
Come inside if u want.
Sisera: Yael?
Sisera: Yael, may I have a blanket?
Yael: I was just about to fall back asleep
Sisera: it’s…still the middle of the day
Yael: waddya need the blanket for?
Sisera: i’m cold. & tired
Yael: oh, so now UR allowed to sleep but I’M not allowed to sleep?
Sisera: well, i HAVE been running straight for the past two days, without food or water, trying to escape a vicious enemy who –
Yael: stuff it. Here’s ur blanket
Sisera: meekly thank u
Sisera: ….yael….
Sisera: thanks again for hiding me.
Sisera: I really appreciate it.
Sisera: I hope this doesn’t put u in danger.
Sisera: b/c I —
Yael: oh for the LOVE OF GOD would u STOP TALKING?
Sisera: whispers Yael…
Sisera: Yael
Sisera: Yael?
Yael: WHAT.
Sisera: i’m thirsty
Yael: fml.
Sisera: may I have some water, please, Yael?
Yael: u want some water??? I’LL GIVE U WATER.
Sisera: that’s milk
Yael: shut the f***| up. Its water. Now go back to sleep.
Sisera drinks the milk, falls sleep
Yael: FINALLY.
Prophetess Devorah: have u killed Sisera yet?
General Barak: not yet, Madame Justice, but I have all my best men on the case! We’ll find this bloody oppressor, have no fear!
Prophetess Devorah: when?
General Barak: We’re searching for a vicious, cunning warrior who has endless sand pits & caves to hide in. Killing him’s complicated, my lady – it’s not like smashing a coconut with a tent peg.
Yael whistles to herself as she pulls up a tent peg and grabs a hammer.
Yael: I’ll teach u to bother me when im trying to nap…
Yael: yo!
U down there!
General Barak: me? I’m General Barak, general of the esteemed—
Yael: wtvr. C’mere, I got something for u
General Barak: i….ur too kind. Er, what kind of –
Yael drags Sisera’s bloody corpse with its mutilated head to the top of the stairs.
General Barak: what in god’s name –
Yael: present for ya. drags cig What? Don’t u like it? I made it specially for u. I thought u’d be grateful
General Barak: is that SISERA??
Yael: ha. WAS.
General Barak: what happened to him??
Yael: blows smoke in his face I did. I happened.
General Barak: how?
Yael: aren’t u happy? I thought u’d be happy. I bashed in his skull w a tent peg
General Barak: a tent peg? Like, an actual tent peg?
Yael: sure. It was easy. Just like back home, when we used to smash –
General Barak: COCONUTS WITH TENT PEGS!! YES!
Yael: I was gonna say puppies drags cig
General Barak: puppies?
Yael: blows smoke coolly. yup
General Barak: wellllll….er…that’s nice…i…gotta go now.
General Barak: I’ll just take this corpse & go
General Barak: Thanks again for the corpse!
General Barak: Bye-bye now.
Yael: FINALLY. stubs cigarette, goes back to sleep
This is a moment of great uncertainty. Here’s what you can do about it.
We hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, we’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s independent Jewish news this Passover. All donations are being matched by the Forward Board - up to $100,000.
This is a moment of great uncertainty for the news media, for the Jewish people, and for our sacred democracy. It is a time of confusion and declining trust in public institutions. An era in which we need humans to report facts, conduct investigations that hold power to account, tell stories that matter and share honest discourse on all that divides us.
With no paywall or subscriptions, the Forward is entirely supported by readers like you. Every dollar you give this Passover is invested in the future of the Forward — and telling the American Jewish story fully and fairly.
The Forward doesn’t rely on funding from institutions like governments or your local Jewish federation. There are thousands of readers like you who give us $18 or $36 or $100 each month or year.
Support our mission to tell the Jewish story fully and fairly.
