Skip To Content

Support the Forward

Funded by readers like you DonateSubscribe

Redacted Bible Stories: Yael

“Giaele e Sisara” by Artemisia Gentileschi via wikicommons

Yael: who’s there?

Sisera: it’s me!!! Sisera!!! help!!!

Yael: u woke me up

Sisera: it’s…the middle of the day

Yael: wtvr. What’re u doing here in the middle of the day

Sisera: Barak’s chasing me — he’s trying to kill me!

Yael: well, you did just lose to him in battle

Sisera: yes but —

Yael: & before that, u kinda totally oppressed his ppl for 20 yrs

Sisera: true, but —

Yael: so I guess you can come in

Sisera: I can??

Yael: drags cigarette sure. Ur ruthless. I admire that in a man. Besides, what r friends for, right?

Sisera: thank u!! ohhhh thank u!!! how can I ever thank you. My mom will thank u…King Yavin will thank u —

Yael: king who?

Sisera: King Yavin. U know, of the Caananite lands and tribes, of which I am War General and with which your husband Heber has a treaty to —

Yael: yawns wtvr.

Come inside if u want.

Sisera: Yael?

Sisera: Yael, may I have a blanket?

Yael: I was just about to fall back asleep

Sisera: it’s…still the middle of the day

Yael: waddya need the blanket for?

Sisera: i’m cold. & tired

Yael: oh, so now UR allowed to sleep but I’M not allowed to sleep?

“Speculum Humanae Salvationis” by Anonymous, circa 1360 Image by wikicommons

Sisera: well, i HAVE been running straight for the past two days, without food or water, trying to escape a vicious enemy who –

Yael: stuff it. Here’s ur blanket

Sisera: meekly thank u

Sisera: ….yael….

Sisera: thanks again for hiding me.

Sisera: I really appreciate it.

Sisera: I hope this doesn’t put u in danger.

Sisera: b/c I —

Yael: oh for the LOVE OF GOD would u STOP TALKING?

Sisera: whispers Yael…

Sisera: Yael

Sisera: Yael?

Yael: WHAT.

Sisera: i’m thirsty

Yael: fml.

Sisera: may I have some water, please, Yael?

Yael: u want some water??? I’LL GIVE U WATER.

Sisera: that’s milk

Yael: shut the f***| up. Its water. Now go back to sleep.

Sisera drinks the milk, falls sleep


Prophetess Devorah: have u killed Sisera yet?

General Barak: not yet, Madame Justice, but I have all my best men on the case! We’ll find this bloody oppressor, have no fear!

Prophetess Devorah: when?

General Barak: We’re searching for a vicious, cunning warrior who has endless sand pits & caves to hide in. Killing him’s complicated, my lady – it’s not like smashing a coconut with a tent peg.

Yael whistles to herself as she pulls up a tent peg and grabs a hammer.

Yael: I’ll teach u to bother me when im trying to nap…

Yael: yo!
U down there!

General Barak: me? I’m General Barak, general of the esteemed—

Yael: wtvr. C’mere, I got something for u

General Barak: i….ur too kind. Er, what kind of –

Yael drags Sisera’s bloody corpse with its mutilated head to the top of the stairs.

General Barak: what in god’s name –

Yael: present for ya. drags cig What? Don’t u like it? I made it specially for u. I thought u’d be grateful

General Barak: is that SISERA??

Yael: ha. WAS.

General Barak: what happened to him??

Yael: blows smoke in his face I did. I happened.

General Barak: how?

Yael: aren’t u happy? I thought u’d be happy. I bashed in his skull w a tent peg

General Barak: a tent peg? Like, an actual tent peg?

Yael: sure. It was easy. Just like back home, when we used to smash –


Yael: I was gonna say puppies drags cig

General Barak: puppies?

Yael: blows smoke coolly. yup

General Barak: wellllll….er…that’s nice…i…gotta go now.

General Barak: I’ll just take this corpse & go

General Barak: Thanks again for the corpse!

General Barak: Bye-bye now.

Yael: FINALLY. stubs cigarette, goes back to sleep


Republish This Story

Please read before republishing

We’re happy to make this story available to republish for free, unless it originated with JTA, Haaretz or another publication (as indicated on the article) and as long as you follow our guidelines. You must credit the Forward, retain our pixel and preserve our canonical link in Google search.  See our full guidelines for more information, and this guide for detail about canonical URLs.

To republish, copy the HTML by clicking on the yellow button to the right; it includes our tracking pixel, all paragraph styles and hyperlinks, the author byline and credit to the Forward. It does not include images; to avoid copyright violations, you must add them manually, following our guidelines. Please email us at [email protected], subject line “republish,” with any questions or to let us know what stories you’re picking up.

We don't support Internet Explorer

Please use Chrome, Safari, Firefox, or Edge to view this site.