A pile of sweaters. Image by iStock

By Irene Katz Connelly December 27, 2019

I’ve long thought that, if indeed there is a War on Christmas, Christmas sweaters are proof enough that Jews are losing. For every boring dreidel t-shirt proffered by Target as a limp gesture of inclusivity, there’s a thrift store stocked with red and green sweaters sporting the most innovative combinations of sequins, appliques, and rhinestones that the 1990s had to offer.

But Hanukkah 5780 may just be a tipping point. This year, Walmart released a mind-boggling line of Christmas sweaters depicting — among other things — a snowman snorting cocaine and Santa being spanked. While big box Christmas sweaters are finally crossing the line from charmingly tacky to seriously red-flag-raising, online retailers like Etsy have stepped up to fill this gaping need in the Jewish community, giving us the joyful, quippy, wryly Jewish garments we always knew Hanukkah sweaters could be. To kick off the holiday season, here are the eight best Hanukkah sweaters available online.

Dinosaur Hanukkah Sweater

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Roar away with this dinosaur sweater. Image by 7ate9Apparel via Etsy

This sweater is perfect for kids or anyone who wants to start an argument about evolution at a holiday party.

Drake Hanukkah Sweater

A stylish Drake crewneck. Image by PinkSundaysStudio via Etsy

Drake’s Toronto restaurant may have closed over nonpayment of rent, this sweater shows he’s still close to our hearts.

This Is What Jewish Looks Like T-Shirt

A great t-shirt for the whole year. Image by SprinklesandSpark via Etsy

Because there’s no one way for Jews to look. This is actually the best Jewish apparel you can buy during Hanukkah, or any time of the year.

Larry David Hanukkah Sweater

Happy Hanukkah from Larry David. Image by TcomboInc via Etsy

This sweater will allow you to enjoy your office holiday party while communicating your belief that religion is the opium of the people and seasonal holidays are spectacles of unbridled consumerism. You’ve read Marx, and everyone should be aware of that.

Light-Up Sweater

A light-up Hanukkah sweater. Image by SilverSpoonLifestyle via Etsy

My middle school crush wore a light-up shirt to our school dance, and it got him a heavily supervised afternoon at the movies with me. If you want to score big this Hanukkah, this one’s for you.

Gelt Digger Sweater

A very punny Hanukkah sweater. Image by SwayShirt via Etsy

For when you really want to lean into Jewish stereotypes.

Let’s Get Lit Sweater

One of the original Hanukkah sweater slogans. Image by NobullWomanApparel via Etsy

This sweater is for people who peaked as president of their Jewish fraternity.

Gin and Tonica Sweater

This sweater plays on Adam Sandler’s classic Hanukkah tune. Image by ShirtCandy via Etsy

Because while cocaine sweaters are not OK, light gestures towards holiday excess are accepted and encouraged.

Irene Connelly is an intern at the Forward. You can contact her at [email protected].

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