One of the many injustices of the coronavirus outbreak is the fact that I have spent my entire working life rejecting donuts and cake and cookies in the break-room at my offices during Passover — and now, the first Pesach for which I work at the Forward, I am home socially distancing.
For all of us who are mentally preparing for a quiet Passover minus commiseration with our carb-hungry brethren, and with as few trips to the store as possible, here’s a list of online marketplaces where consumers can buy food and other goods for Passover.
Listen. I get it. Manischewitz is kind of gross. But would it really be Passover if there wasn’t that signature angular bottle on the table? Also, have you ever used Manischewitz as a mixer? You can order online through Drizly, a delivery service that partners with your local liquor store so you can still support small businesses that need customers during the outbreak.
My father passed on to me a strong preference for Streit’s egg matzah, which has slightly more depth and density than regular matzah. Not everyone agrees with me — one Forward staffer told me egg matzah is a “scam.” But if you spread cream cheese on egg matzah and close your eyes and pretend really hard, you can almost imagine it’s an egg bagel.
You can buy boxes directly from Streit’s’ website, three for $7.50.
How can we sit around telling a story of freedom without the bone of a factory-farmed animal sitting in the middle of the table?
Enter: KOL foods, which is selling bones from grass-fed lambs living in the “Seneca Rock area of the Alleghenies where they roam the mountains free of confinement.” Sounds pretty nice. The bone is about $6 online.
You could order a bunch of parsley from the grocery store. Or you could order a real, live parsley plant. Here, in the midst of a global pandemic, you can still have a sensory reminder of spring — right in your own home. Take a break from television and water a plant. Obsess over its position in your home. Read about soil mixtures. Your pandemic plant will live on, and when the quarantine is over, you will look at the parsley and remember with a burst of gratitude that once you were socially distancing and now you are free.
You can order Gold’s Horseradish, the gold standard (sorry) of horseradish, from your local grocery store using services like FreshDirect.
But I would be remiss if I didn’t draw your attention to a case of four GALLON JUGS of Gold’s Horseradish that is available to you for the low, low price of $121.63 from an online retailer called Rebel Smuggling Galactic Emporium.
Joyva Jell Rings
Joyva Jell Rings are one of the worst candies on earth, but I feel a deep ancestral pull towards them during dessert after the seder. Luckily, they are available in bulk from The Online Candy Shop, along with halvah and those sesame bars that will break your teeth if you bite them the wrong way.
Do you need a wine label that says “The Chosen Wine” or “This Is How We Jew It”? How about fabric napkins fashioned with a matzah print? If it’s going to be a small seder, it might as well be a festive one, and Etsy has you covered on all of the Passover tchotchkes you really don’t need but might order online in a fit of anxiety and boredom. There is a non-zero chance that I will purchase this pin that says “Secret Afikomen Society.”