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By Thea Glassman May 3, 2017

Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website Goop is making its way into print, much to the amusement/horror of the general internet.

The brand, known for its consistently bizarre life and wellness tips, will be released as a quarterly under the Conde Nast imprint.

In celebration of what is sure to be a slew of unsound, Paltrow-certified advice, we pulled together five of the strangest things you can find on Goop’s website.

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Jade Eggs For Your “Yoni”

At $55-$66 a pop, these jade eggs are for your yoni (Sanskrit for womb) and supposedly: “cultivate sexual energy, increase orgasm, balance the cycle, stimulate key reflexology around vaginal walls, tighten and tone, prevent uterine prolapse, increase control of the whole perineum and bladder, develop and clear chi pathways in the body, intensify feminine energy, and invigorate our life force.”

Whew. If all of that seems too good to be true…it probably is. Dr. Jen Gunter, a San Francisco-based doctor, wrote a strongly worded open letter to Paltrow after the blog post was published, calling yoni eggs the “biggest load of garbage.”

“The claim that they can balance hormones is, quite simply, biologically impossible,” Gunter wrote. “As for female energy? I’m a gynecologist and I don’t know what that is!?”

The Key To Curing The Common Hangover

Paltrow’s cure to the morning after a night of drinking?

“If you have the time and the inclination, I’ve found that the best hangover remedy can be a hot and cold spa treatment,” she suggested. “Follow with a full body scrub down, which is typically followed by a massage.”

Definitely more proactive than my method, which is watching every episode of “The Office” and then staring at my bedroom ceiling.

$125,000 Dumbbells

Will dropping more than $100,000 on 18K gold dumbbells make working out less loathsome? Highly doubtful.

Regardless, these bad boys landed a spot on Goop’s gift guide.

A Trip To The Edge Of Space

This trip to the periphery of space also made it on Goop’s gift guide, and is advertised for a cool $90,000. You know, for that friend who just has everything.

Recipe for Spirit Truffles

These little truffles are made with moon pantry spirit dust, which — drumroll— “feeds harmony and extrasensory perception through pineal gland de-calcification and activation.”

Somewhere, Dr. Jen Gunter’s head is exploding.

Thea Glassman is an Associate Editor at the Forward. Reach her at [email protected] or on Twitter at @theakglassman.

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