Why Is No One Talking About How Hot Jon Ossoff Is?
Everybody is talking about buzzy, young, upstart Jonathan Ossoff. The 30-year-old Democrat will be facing off against incumbent Republican Karen Handel Tuesday in a special election in Georgia.
But there’s an elephant in the room. A big one. A sexy one. A big, sexy elephant. And nobody is saying it so I will:
Jon Ossoff is smoking hot.
Let me clarify — he is FINE AS HELL. He’s Jonathan Taylor Thomas for adults. He’s the intellectual offspring of Wolverine and Marion Cotillard. He’s every girl’s favorite camp counselor, your older brother’s super hot best friend, the stranger who sits across from you on your morning commute, making his way slowly through Infinite Jest.
Don’t get me wrong: Ossoff’s good looks alone are not going to save us from the nefarious schemings of Kim Jong-Un or Russia’s expansive coalition of underground hackers. America has some serious problems that can’t be solved by a smoldering gaze. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: you can’t pray the gay away, and you can’t sexy-wink $1.4 trillion of American student loan debt away.
But that doesn’t explain why not one article about Ossoff has mentioned the fact that he has the smile of the “Dawson’s Creek” character we never had and always deserved. After all, Justin Trudeau’s emergence onto the political scene merited what felt like hundreds of thousands of think-pieces about his chiseled jaw and smoldering gaze. Ossoff’s sex appeal is the dialed back response to Trudeau’s garish Disney prince act. Doesn’t he deserve at least a listicle paying homage to his various body parts?
America has managed to disappoint in a lot of ways since white people wrested it from the American Indians via genocide five hundred years ago. We have the highest healthcare costs and lowest life expectancy of any developed nation. We elected to the highest office in the land a man who couldn’t write a Sparknotes-sourced book report about The Fountainhead even if you held an open-carry gun to his bright orange toupee.
But there’s something especially upsetting about the fact that, amid all the talk of “where Ossoff stands” on “certain controversial issues,” not a single political journalist noticed that Jon Ossoff looks like he smells of whiskey and freshly carved wood. My question is: what is the media trying to hide? And can we really trust them anymore? I don’t have all the answers but I’m not afraid to report on the facts and the fact is this:
Jon Ossoff is hot. He’s really, really hot.
(A version of this piece was previously published in Catalyst Wed Co.)
Becky Scott is the editor of The Schmooze. Follow her on Twitter at @arr_scott
This story "Jon Ossoff Is Really, Really Hot" was written by Becky Scott.