Some people talk to God. Some people go to therapy. Some people have a best friend or mom in whom they can confide.

But Donald Trump is not some people — he’s the president of the United States of America and when he has something to say, he goes straight to Howard Stern.

This past week, Newsweek had the great honor of receiving exclusive access to the complete archival audio of Trump’s multitudinous visits to one Mr. Howard Stern of the infamous “The Howard Stern Show.” In total, Trump has spent over 15 hours of his waking life talking to Howard Stern about having sex with his wife, naked women, and his daughter, among, we presume, other topics. But mostly those topics.

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Because we’ve gone and elected this man president, some poor, poor, poor journalist from Newsweek was tasked with listening to this audio and pulling from it the most relevant lines, to be shared with the world. Here are a few she deemed pertinent.

Regarding Melania:

Stern: Have you ever felt her up in public?

Trump: Yeah.

Stern: Yeah. As I know.

Trump: I’m very well behaved, actually, and almost always I’m very down the middle.

Stern: How did you meet this supermodel?

Trump: I met her at a very big party in New York. And she was there along with other supermodels, and I greeted all of them, and I said, that’s the one that’s the most beautiful.

Stern: Wow.

Trump: And she is considered beautiful by the other girls. I mean they, she’s really considered most beautiful, but she’s beyond beauty, she’s a very nice person.

Regarding his genitals:

Stern: And you got stank on your hangover the first night?

Trump: I didn’t do well with her the first time.

Stern: You didn’t.

Trump: No, it was not working. The whole thing was not working the first night.

Regarding his obsession with washing his hands:

Stern: You realize that’s a psychological problem.

Trump: It could be a psychological problem.

Stern: There’s no way for you to get… You cannot overpower this problem, you know that… I mean theoretically, you know, because that’s obsessive-compulsive, right? Have you ever gone to a psychiatrist to eliminate that problem?

Trump: No. I like it. I like cleanliness. Cleanliness is a nice thing. Not only hands, body, everything.

God bless America, but more importantly, God bless the journalist who spent this beautiful weekend listening to 15 hours of Donald Trump and Howard Stern dehumanizing women.

Becky Scott is the editor of The Schmooze. Follow her on Twitter, @arr_scott

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