Happy #NationalGirlfriendDay! Here Are Your Top 5 Jewish Girlfriends

It’s #NationalGirlfriendDay which can only mean one thing: America needs a girlfriend and fast. The Schmooze has taken it upon itself to rank what we believe are the top five Jewish women who should be considered for the role.
1.Natalie Portman
Portman is a natural selection for America’s Jewish girlfriend. She’s beautiful but not intimidatingly so. She speaks near-fluent Hebrew and received a degree from none other than Harvard — your mother’s absolute favorite university. She’s one of the rare women who can straddle making movies with writing research papers and she once said she’d “rather be smart than a movie star.” She owns a vegan footwear line and once named a baby gorilla on a trip to Rwanda. Is there anything this woman can’t do? If Natalie Portman were your girlfriend one thing is for sure: you’d probably never need to Google anything.
2.Judge Judy
Judge Judy is the kind of girlfriend who would never let you miss a day of work to indulge your clinical depression. She may not believe in feminism but who needs feminism when you wake up every day next to the baddest lady in the game? Judge Judy’s income is big enough for two so you could spend all your days writing poems and making dinner for the only woman who makes you feel like justice might actually be black and white.
3.Barbra Streisand
Love is love at any age, especially when you’re Barbra Streisand. Educated at an Orthodox Yeshiva in Brooklyn, Streisand ascended from near-poverty to become a cultural icon. She got her start in a gay nightclub in Greenwich Village and there’s no reason she shouldn’t get her finish as America’s girlfriend. She was labeled a national enemy during the days of Nixon, which makes her a perfect fit for the role of national girlfriend during the days of Trump. Now more than ever we need Streisand’s antics to lift us up out of this global crisis and promise us there are brighter days ahead.
4.Sarah Silverman
Poltical, funny, and an Emmy winner? Sarah Silverman covers all of these bases and more. She may have publicly struggled with bedwetting as a child but, on the bright side, she’ll know exactly what to do when you grow old together and both lose control of your bowels. Silverman spent an entire comedy special, “Jesus Is Magic”, convincing the masses that the Jews truly are “The Chosen Ones” so, although she’s not religious, you can be certain she’s a ride-or-die. Plus, she’s probably not afraid to get into politics on a first date.
5.Mila Kunis
Mila Kunis is best known for ranking in the top five of every “Top 100 Hottest Women” list of all time. Sure, she might have a husband and two adorable children but, with Hollywood’s reputation for failed marriages, America can still dream. Her parents fled anti-Semitism in the USSR when Kunis was a young girl and she overcame the tribulations of a foreign language and a strange land to conquer Hollywood. She’s a shining example of why America’s open borders are a great thing. Plus, she dated Macauley Culkin for 9 years which means America’s gotta have a chance — right?
Becky Scott is the editor of The Schmooze. Follow her on Twitter, @arr_scott
The Forward is free to read, but it isn’t free to produce

I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward.
At a time when other newsrooms are closing or cutting back, the Forward has removed its paywall and invested additional resources to report on the ground from Israel and around the U.S. on the impact of the war, rising antisemitism and polarized discourse.
Readers like you make it all possible. We’ve started our Passover Fundraising Drive, and we need 1,800 readers like you to step up to support the Forward by April 21. Members of the Forward board are even matching the first 1,000 gifts, up to $70,000.
This is a great time to support independent Jewish journalism, because every dollar goes twice as far.
— Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO
2X match on all Passover gifts!
Most Popular
- 1
News A Jewish Republican and Muslim Democrat are suddenly in a tight race for a special seat in Congress
- 2
Fast Forward The NCAA men’s Final Four has 3 Jewish coaches
- 3
Film & TV What Gal Gadot has said about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict
- 4
Fast Forward Cory Booker proclaims, ‘Hineni’ — I am here — 19 hours into anti-Trump Senate speech
In Case You Missed It
-
Fast Forward As Netanyahu arrives in Budapest, Hungary announces exit from International Criminal Court
-
Yiddish הונדערטער פֿרומע ייִדן לאַנצירן לינק־געשטימטע גרופּע אין מאַנהעטןHundreds of observant Jews launch left-wing group in Manhattan
הרבֿ יוסף בלאַו האָט בײַ דער קאָנפֿערענץ באַדויערט וואָס דער רעליגיעזער ציוניזם אין ישׂראל איז „פֿאַרכאַפּט געוואָרן“ פֿון די רעכטע.
-
Fast Forward Trump’s ‘Liberation Day’ includes 17% tariffs on Israeli imports, even as Israel cancels tariffs on US goods
-
Fast Forward Hillel CEO says he shares ‘concerns’ over campus deportations, calls for due process
-
Shop the Forward Store
100% of profits support our journalism
Republish This Story
Please read before republishing
We’re happy to make this story available to republish for free, unless it originated with JTA, Haaretz or another publication (as indicated on the article) and as long as you follow our guidelines.
You must comply with the following:
- Credit the Forward
- Retain our pixel
- Preserve our canonical link in Google search
- Add a noindex tag in Google search
See our full guidelines for more information, and this guide for detail about canonical URLs.
To republish, copy the HTML by clicking on the yellow button to the right; it includes our tracking pixel, all paragraph styles and hyperlinks, the author byline and credit to the Forward. It does not include images; to avoid copyright violations, you must add them manually, following our guidelines. Please email us at [email protected], subject line “republish,” with any questions or to let us know what stories you’re picking up.