Stephen Colbert’s Atone Phone
Graphic by Angelie Zaslavsky
Image by Scott Gries
“To quote your Jewish pope, Moses, revenge is a dish best served Kosher. That’s why I am once again offering my Atone Phone hot line. If you’re Jewish and you gave me tsuris during the year 5772 just pick up the phone before Yom Kippur and dial 1-888-667-7539.”
That will likely be easier to remember if you think: 1-888-OOPS-JEW. Unfortunately, the cost of a toll-free line — even one with so noble a purpose — is prohibitive. So to help defray the cost, he’s had to share the number with several other companies.
So you’ll have choices when connected. Press 1 and you’ll be connected to 1-888-MOPS-KEY, a consumer help line for discount janitorial supplies. Press 5 and you’ll get 1-888-NORS-LEZ, a sex chat line featuring lesbians of Scandinavian descent.
Best to press 2, which will be answered by a recording of Mr. Colbert, himself, inviting apologies and pointing out that some of the most creative ones will be aired on his show. The competition is stiff. His first call came from Ira Glass, host of public radio’s This American Life. Glass apologized for not having Colbert on his program. “You are America,” he tells Stephen. Polite as always, Colbert tells Glass “I watch your show, too.” When it’s pointed out that This American Life is on the radio, Colbert explains: “I turn the sound down and watch the radio.”
Glass, of course, sneaks in a plug for his film (he produced it and co-wrote the screenplay), Sleepwalk With Me. And he quickly assures Colbert that he didn’t call for a cheap plug: “I called you to wish you l’shana tovah, Happy New Year, and what better way to celebrate than by watching the Sundance-winning movie I produced called Sleepwalk With Me.”
I’m personally matching all gifts to the Forward, up to $36,000. Can I match your gift now?
Hello, fellow Forward reader! I’m Joel Brown, a Forward reader and supporter for more than 15 years, and currently the chair of the board of directors.
I’m an avid Forward reader because it ticks so many of my essential boxes: excellent journalism, Jewish focus and diverse viewpoints. In today’s political climate, what I most appreciate is the Forward’s independence — made possible by the generosity of its membership.
The Forward is committed to bringing you unbiased, nuanced Jewish news. From my position as board chair, I see an exciting future as we expand our position as the definitive independent voice of contemporary American Judaism.
— Joel Brown, Forward board chair
Support our mission to tell the Jewish story fully and fairly.
