7 Quotes That Should Be in the New Joan Rivers Memoir

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By Anne Cohen February 12, 2015

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Joan Rivers fans who can’t afford her $28 million apartment will soon have another way to catch up with the late comedian.

AP reports that her daughter, Melissa, is writing a memoir.

“The Book of Joan: Tales of Mirth, Mischief, and Manipulation” is set for publication on May 5 by Crown Archetype, a subset of Penguin. According to The Huffington Post, the book “will feature jokes, stories and advice.”

In that spirit, let’s revisit some of Joan Rivers’ pearls of wisdom:

On pets: “Don’t make friends with your dogs. The sons of bitches will literally die ahead of you and cause you grief!” (Hollywood Reporter, 2013)

On the Israeli-Palestinian conflict: “Well, I think we should make it stop and I think I know how to make it stop. I think every Palestinian should get a nose job. Because once somebody has had a nose job they won’t fight ‘cause they’re scared their new nose would get broken. I think we should send over every great Jewish plastic surgeon doctor, fix their noses, and there will be peace in the Middle East.”

On Gwyneth Paltrow being named People’s Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman: “Look at Gwyneth Paltrow being named the most beautiful this year. She got Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder to vote.” (Hollywood Reporter 2013)

On Selena Gomez criticizing Israel’s war in Gaza: “Oh, Selena Gomez, that college grad. Let’s see if she can spell ‘Palestinian.”

On dealing with mothers-in-law: “I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’”

On making her “Tonight Show” comeback, 49 years later: “Being in the studio brought back the most wonderful, wonderful memories of the night that jump-started my career. So when people ask me, ‘Why was last night different from all other nights?’ I’ll tell them that it certainly beats Passover!”

On that outfit you’re thinking of buying for your niece’s bat mitzvah: “Style: It’s like herpes. You either have it or you don’t.” (The Tonight Show With David Letterman, 2014]

Oh Joan. Can we talk?

Anne Cohen was the Forward’s deputy digital media editor. When she’s not looking for the secret Jewish history of Voodoo in New Orleans, or making lists about Ruth Bader Ginsburg, she writes for The Assimilator. She graduated from the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism with an M.S. magazine concentration in 2012.

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