The television show “The Bachelorette” appears to be some kind of voluntary human sex zoo that I assume can be legally televised due to a judicial loophole. I had never seen it before because I believe true reality entertainment lies in watching Youtube personalities cry while applying makeup. But I willingly swiped my B-card in pursuit of answers to the question I heard my people crying out: Are there any Jewish competitors on “The Bachelorette”?
Season 13, which aired its second episode this week, is special because it is the first time any Bachelor or Bachelorette has been black.
“Over the years, we’ve seen a lot of Bachelors and Bachelorettes come and go,” said Chris Harrison in the first “Bachelorette” episode of the season. “But never have we seen anything like the outpouring of love and support for our new Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay”. Harrison, the host of “The Bachelorette,” is an alarming individual who is always wearing a suit and apparently has made a career out of following people around and trying to make them have sex in the ocean on television. He does not mention that the show has literally never seen anything like Rachel Lindsay, because the show has never chosen to cast a black protagonist even once in 33 seasons.
But anyway! “The Bachelorette” seems to be trying to hit two birds with one stone — destroying its reputation as a mostly whites-only dating club as well as the idea that every protagonist on the show has to be a complete fool. This is done via Rachel, who is a trial lawyer, which she demonstrates by shouting the word “objection.” Along with her dog, Copper, she is more proof than this world needs that accomplished, beautiful women can be surprisingly tolerant of losers.
Where there are lawyers, diversity, and quests for marriage, there must indeed be Jews. But who could these Jews be? “The Bachelorette,” no doubt out of respect for these young men, avoids using the contestants’ last names. The kind of personal information they traffic in has more to do with penis angle than alma mater. So we must go by different means, largely the “contestant biographies”.
Trying to figure out which Bachelorette contestant is Jewish is similar to leaving the sukhat shalom of Jswipe and shopping for a boyfriend in the darkened trayf-shack known as Bumble. Both investigations lean heavily on ugly stereotyping and guesswork but both may result in lifelong happiness! Away we go.
Confirmed Jews: Grant, 29 Why He Might Be Jewish: Zichrona livracha. Grant was the most obviously Jew-y contestant, thanks to the anecdote in his bio that he used to perform “Ice Ice Baby” at peers’ Bar Mitzvahs. Grant is sadly no longer with us after just one episode, when Rachel cast him aside. Should we call the ADL? Not so fast — religiously, Grant may hail from centuries of oppression, but socially he has no one to blame but himself for the comment, “I like being the center of attention while appearing to remain a humble outlook on it.” Projected likelihood that he is a Jew: 10/10, according to Jewcy, he did USY
Jack Stone, 32 Why He Might Be Jewish: Jack Stone, who like Grant was confirmed Jewish by our friends at Jewcy, has something in common with the beguilingly twice-named Rachel Lindsay, just judging by his double name. His unwillingness to pronounce most consonants has Bar Mitzvah boy-ish charm. He also describes himself as “anxious” and a fan of World War II history; based on that alone he is likely a legal candidate for aliyah. Projected likelihood that he is a Jew: 10/10, no foreskin here
Adam, 27 Why He Might Be Jewish: Adam is a real estate agent with no tattoos who mentions his mom in his Bach-bio and fears spiders. His name is Adam (come on!) and he has curly hair and that look in his eyes that says “Let me take your virginity in the first week of Jewish summer camp and then avoid eye-contact for the rest of the session.” Projected likelihood that he is Jew: 7.5/10
Jonathan, 31 Why He Might Be Jewish: The name Jonathan without an “h” will always be a dead giveaway in the dog-eat-no-shellfish modern dating game. Divorcee Jonathan describes his virginity loss as “pretty uneventful” and writes that his occupation is “tickle monster.” I am actually fairly sure that every blind date I’ve ever been on has been Jonathan in various disguises. Projected likelihood that he is a Jew: 9/10
Rob, 29 Why He Might Be Jewish: Rob is pursuing law and makes boring references to Fantasy Football in lieu of humorous jokes, which is evidence enough. Nevertheless, shalom and l’hitraot to Rob, who was extracted from the first episode. We will miss him, but we will not soon forget how he (maybe) showcased our ancient culture on television. Projected likelihood that he is a Jew: 6.5/10
Alex, 28 Why He Might Be Jewish: This one could go either way. Alex says people stereotype him as a “meathead” but he is actually “a huge nerd”, a claim so annoying it actually transcends religion. But when he said, “My IQ’s 180 according to my mother”, I saw a man who was present at Sinai, most likely doing a Rubik’s cube. Projected likelihood that he is a Jew: 6/10
Rachel Lindsay may make it to the chuppah yet! Stay tuned for more exciting coverage.
Jenny Singer is a writer for The Forward. You can contact her at Singer@forward.com or on Twitter @jeanvaljenny