If Donald Trump Were To Lead A Passover Seder

US President Donald Trump listens to Rabbi Shmuel Rabinovitch (C) during a visit to the Western Wall, the holiest site where Jews can pray, in Jerusalem’s Old City on May 22, 2017. On the left, Trump’s son-in-law and senior advisor Jared Kushner. Image by Getty Images

By Avital Chizhik-Goldschmidt March 23, 2018

“I’d only ever been to one Passover. Back in 1984, when my best Jew lawyer, Roy Cohn, finally convinced me to accept one of his invitations to a Seder at his penthouse in Manhattan. Frankly, there’s only one word to describe that night. Boring. Even with Madonna as my date, and I’m talking still-hot, pre-pregnant, pre-Kabbalah Madonna, it was unbearable. Before we could eat, we had to take turns reading from these old, raggedy, dirt — filthy really — paper manuals, these Haggadahs, right, that’s what you call them? Well, let me tell you, they’re very low energy, very poorly written stuff, and the whole thing went on forever, I left after the second cracker course.”

Dave Cowen’s The Trump Passover Haggadah Image by Amazon screenshot

And so begins Dave Cowen’s satirical Trump Passover Haggadah, currently on the Amazon bestseller list in political humor, for a bargain $6.23. Similar in style to the brilliant McSweeney’s take on the Kushner family Passover Haggadah, this one offers a script of what a White House Seder might look like in 2018 — some SNL-worthy, some rather corny — with a full cast of characters:

Stephen Miller removes the undocumented imm—ahem, chametz.

Melania sets the table (“We need cushions at each seat for reclining. We already do that, too! Donald likes to eat his meals on the couch while getting debriefed by Fox & Friends.”).

via GIPHY

Mike Pence insists they wait for his wife to arrive before making Kiddush, because “unless my wife is present, I can never…attend an event where alcohol is being served”.

Jared recites the Shehecheyanu prayer, thanking Daddy for his job (“Don’t worry, everyone, Kush is on it, Kush is a big boy, he handled the stress of his Bar Mitzvah, he can handle this.”)

And Bernie Sanders shows up and does the Afikomen (“We’ll give a piece of the ‘poor man’s bread’ to every one of the 150 million American families who are not in the 1%”).

via GIPHY

The four questions are of course asked by Ivanka (the wise child), Tiffany (the wicked child), Donald Junior (the simple child), and Eric (the child who doesn’t know how to ask).

via GIPHY

Just remember, as you read, to recline to the right. Far right.

Are you nauseous yet? I know I am. But I suppose it’s the age-old Jewish resort to humor — even in the ugliest of times.

This year in the White House. Next year, comrades — in Moscow.

Women walk past an advertising board of a Voentorg shop displaying a portrait of US President-elect Donald Trump in central Moscow on January 19, 2017. Image by Getty Images

Avital Chizhik-Goldschmidt was the Life/Features editor at the Forward. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Salon, and Tablet, among others.

A message from our Publisher & CEO Rachel Fishman Feddersen

I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s award-winning, nonprofit journalism during this critical time.

The coming year promises to be filled with more complex and historic developments. We are entering an era where independent, fact-based Jewish journalism will be more important than ever. We need to be ready for whatever 2025 will bring, and with your help, we can be.

We’ve set a goal to raise $260,000 by December 31. That’s an ambitious goal, but one that will give us the resources we need to invest in the high quality news, opinion, analysis and cultural coverage that isn’t available anywhere else.

If you feel inspired to make an impact, now is the time to give something back. Join us as a member at your most generous level.

— Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO