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The Schmooze

15 Pieces Of Advice From A Professional Jewish American Princess

The collected literature about the acronym “JAP,” Jewish American Princess, is longer than an Artscroll Talmud, or a New Yorker fiction essay.

But there’s really only one required text — humorist Sarah Solomon’s Twitter, @UrbanJAP.

Urban JAP lives on the Upper West Side, went to Jewish summer camp but now participates in the religion of dermatology and caftans, and wouldn’t mind marrying a nice doctor who approves of vaping.

And you know what? Plenty of us relate to her!

A participation trophy

A participation trophy Image by Courtesy of Sarah Solomon

Solomon created the account when, she said, “I was tired of seeing JAP Twitter accounts that I felt were stereotypically derogatory and not doing us any favors.” Sure, UrbanJAP likes bagels, late capitalism, and getting drunk in a Pottery Barn Teen, but frankly, who doesn’t?

In her debut book, “Guac Is Extra, But So Am I: The Reluctant Adult’s Handbook,” Solomon takes readers step by step through this thing we call adulting, giving detailed explanations and guidelines on everything from 401ks to the pros and cons of hate-sex, accompanied by helpful illustrations by the author. The handbook will be released on 4/30 from powerHouse Books.

Reprinted here with permission are some of the best tips from the “Guac Is Extra” handbook, which you can pre-order here.

A Few Guidelines for Living:

If someone lists their job on a dating app as “Entrepreneur,” just assume they’re unemployed

In Hell, they only let you eat lunches you meal-prepped

The best birth control is not being able to eat sushi or drink coffee or wine for nine months

Home is where the WiFi is

The second rule of Fight Club is to never refer to yourself as an influencer

The road to hell is paved with shag carpeting

The cool thing about mortality is that at some point you won’t have to make small talk with people you graduated from high school with

We’re all just a few breakdowns away from becoming an interior designer or a golf pro

Vanessa Carlton would walk 1,000 miles — find someone who will do a subway transfer for you

Whenever you feel sad, remember how much potential blackmail is saved in your camera roll

Only God and your bartender can judge you

If you want to get crazy messages, make “Explain Bitcoin to me” your Tinder bio

You cannot go to grad school for self-care

Instead of “a watched pot never boils,” remember — “throwing your phone won’t make him answer texts in a timely fashion”

Never trust a grown-ass man who wants to take you to Disneyland

Get more of Solomon’s advice for living here.

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