15 Pieces Of Advice From A Professional Jewish American Princess
The collected literature about the acronym “JAP,” Jewish American Princess, is longer than an Artscroll Talmud, or a New Yorker fiction essay.
But there’s really only one required text — humorist Sarah Solomon’s Twitter, @UrbanJAP.
Probably shouldn’t have drunkenly yelled, “my culture is not your costume!!” At the chick in a Juicy tracksuit— urbanJAP (@urbanJAP) November 2, 2018
Urban JAP lives on the Upper West Side, went to Jewish summer camp but now participates in the religion of dermatology and caftans, and wouldn’t mind marrying a nice doctor who approves of vaping.
And you know what? Plenty of us relate to her!
Solomon created the account when, she said, “I was tired of seeing JAP Twitter accounts that I felt were stereotypically derogatory and not doing us any favors.” Sure, UrbanJAP likes bagels, late capitalism, and getting drunk in a Pottery Barn Teen, but frankly, who doesn’t?
In her debut book, “Guac Is Extra, But So Am I: The Reluctant Adult’s Handbook,” Solomon takes readers step by step through this thing we call adulting, giving detailed explanations and guidelines on everything from 401ks to the pros and cons of hate-sex, accompanied by helpful illustrations by the author. The handbook will be released on 4/30 from powerHouse Books.
Reprinted here with permission are some of the best tips from the “Guac Is Extra” handbook, which you can pre-order here.
A Few Guidelines for Living:
If someone lists their job on a dating app as “Entrepreneur,” just assume they’re unemployed
In Hell, they only let you eat lunches you meal-prepped
The best birth control is not being able to eat sushi or drink coffee or wine for nine months
Home is where the WiFi is
The second rule of Fight Club is to never refer to yourself as an influencer
The road to hell is paved with shag carpeting
The cool thing about mortality is that at some point you won’t have to make small talk with people you graduated from high school with
We’re all just a few breakdowns away from becoming an interior designer or a golf pro
Vanessa Carlton would walk 1,000 miles — find someone who will do a subway transfer for you
Whenever you feel sad, remember how much potential blackmail is saved in your camera roll
Only God and your bartender can judge you
If you want to get crazy messages, make “Explain Bitcoin to me” your Tinder bio
You cannot go to grad school for self-care
Instead of “a watched pot never boils,” remember — “throwing your phone won’t make him answer texts in a timely fashion”
Never trust a grown-ass man who wants to take you to Disneyland
Get more of Solomon’s advice for living here.
Advice From A Professional Jewish American Princess