Editor’s Note: To note the cannabis celebration of 4/20, we have invited prominent marijuana journalist Neal Pollack to offer his commandments with regard to the titular substance along with his textual commentaries.
“Now Moses was leading the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, because Jethro was practicing self-care and taking some ‘me time,’ and Moses led the flock to Horeb, the Mountain Of God where there was a place that served some decent cold brew. There The Angel Of The Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Strangely, the bush did not burn, but it did emit a pleasantly skunky odor. God called to him from within the bush, “Moses, Moses, check out this dank bud…You must tell the Israelites the truth about my magic weed, and follow these, my commandments”—Exodus 4:20
1) THOU SHALT SMOKE NO OTHER WEED BEFORE ME.
“I led you out of Egypt to get you high.”
2) THOU SHALT SEPARATE STEMS AND SEEDS FROM THE LEAVES.
“If thou receivest a bag that contains unconsumable parts, then that bag is unclean and must be discarded.”
3) THOU SHALT VAPEST TO PRESERVE THINE LUNGS.
“Oil made from this plant is holy. If you conserve, one day’s supply could miraculously last for eight days.”
4) DO NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S STASH.
“For if he is cool, then he shall invite you over to partake.”
5) MONITOR THY DOSAGE AND KEEP IT HOLY.
“One piece of chocolate matzoh, infused with this substance, will be enough to stop an ass in its tracks. Beginners should try a small piece at first. Too much and thou shalt begin to hallucinate locusts.”
6) THOU SHALT ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES.
“False prophets shall attempt to sell you synthetic plants, but do not consume them for they are deadly. Wait for the real stuff even if thou livest in a place where it is hard to obtain, like Texas, which does not yet exist but shall someday, unfortunately.”
7) THOU SHALT DO EVERYTHING FUN UPON CONSUMING.
“It is great for listening to music, or looking at pretty colors in nature, or smiting the first-born sons of non-Hebrews.”
8) THOU SHALT NOT STEAL THE WEED.
“It grows readily in Biblical climates. If you’re not agriculturally inclined, or do not have a medical card or live in a place where it is sold in the souk, I know a guy who can get you a decent eighth for 35, maybe 40 shekels.”
9) THOU SHALT NOT CREATE CRAVEN IMAGES OF ME.
“Do not draw a red-eyed cartoon Tweety bird wearing a Rastfarian cap or a beautiful woman leaning over a cart with marijuana leaves superimposed over her bare breasts. Those are in poor taste.”
10) REMEMBER 4-20, AND KEEP IT HOLY.
“On other days, you get high at least once. But on this day, you get high three times, while reclining. It will be hard to find the Afikomen, but it’s all good, brah.”