2006: Fact or Faux Pas?
In lieu of establishing a “Jewish Awareness Month” in 2007, take the YPASI (You’re Probably An Antisemite If…) test to see if you’re an A-S.
1) When comedian Michael Richards said that he identified as Jewish, you felt:
a) disappointed that he hadn’t opted for Scientology.
b) embarrassed, like how Senator George Allen felt when asked if his mother was Jewish.
c) guilty for buying the “Seinfeld” DVD.
2) This past year, Yale University launched the Initiative for Interdisciplinary Study of Antisemitism because:
a) trustafarians can never learn enough about “isms.”
b) there are not enough Jewish holidays in the fall.
c) the War on Christmas poses an imminent threat.
3) Judith Regan was fired from HarperCollins for:
a) stuffing the office’s mezuzot with the shredded pages of O.J. Simpson’s “If I Did It.”
b) playing “good cop, bad cop” with former NYC police commissioner Bernard Kerik.
c) hiring HarperCollins author Jenna Jameson to entertain at the office holiday party.
4) We’ll know if Mel Gibson falls off the wagon again if he:
a) binges on Häagen Dazs or Ben and Jerry’s, even though they are made by Jews.
b) studies for his adult bar mitzvah with the Neturei Karta.
c) writes a screenplay about how the Jews are responsible for the War of 1812.
5) In 2006, the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights recommended that the U.S. Congress clarify that Title VI applies to discrimination against Jewish students, because:
a) an African-American student wanted to play jazz.
b) multiple Jewish applicants were denied acceptance to Bob Jones University.
c) “Oy” became universally accepted as a play in Scrabble but still does not fly in Boggle.
6) Earlier this month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hosted Tehran’s International Conference To Review the Global Vision of the Holocaust after previously calling the Holocaust a “fairy tale” because:
a) fairies were one of the groups that were persecuted during the Holocaust.
b) not enough documentaries have been made about the Holocaust.
c) Cinderella seemed dull.
7) Former President Jimmy Carter’s latest book, “Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid,” is:
a) as fair and balanced as Fox News.
b) neither antisemitic nor as dangerous as the lust in the man’s cheating heart.
c) his second novel.
8) This year, New York City’s Second Avenue Deli closed because:
a) ten dollars is way too cheap for a piece of gefilte fish.
b) free fresh pickles are overrated.
c) New York desperately needed the space for another Duane Reade.
9) Who is most likely to become president: a Caucasian female, a black male or a Jew (male, female or transgendered)?
a) This is a trick question; Jon Stewart would obviously beat Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton.
b) Bloomberg can afford it.
c) The 237 senior analysts on CNN will agree that anything is possible, as long as it does not include Joe Lieberman.
10) Please write a 1,541-word essay on “How the Jews Control the Oil Industry.” (Please include any conspiracy theories, footnotes and photographs.)