Is Saying ‘Fiancé’ Bragging?

Image by Thinkstock
This post is the fourth in “Feminist, Orthodox and Engaged,” a series by Simi Lampert on love, sex and betrothal in the life of a Modern Orthodox woman.
In a world where getting married is an item on most girls’ to-do lists, being engaged feels a bit like showing off.
When my friend at Stern College for Women got engaged, she referred to her fiancé as her boyfriend. “He’s your fiancé now,” I corrected her. “I know,” she replied, “but it feels weird to say that. I don’t want to make people feel bad.” At the time, her answer made no sense to me; now that I’m engaged, I understand completely.
Saying “fiancé” is like bragging. Like being in middle school again and telling all of my friends I got an A+ on a test they’re still taking. It’s a weird feeling, and one that I’m not fully used to.
Of course, it’s possible that it’s all in my head. I haven’t actually received a negative reaction from anyone when I say I’m engaged. My friends — who have to hear me talk about it all the time — tend to be the ones to roll their eyes and moan about another one biting the dust. But for some reason, I still feel badly mentioning it to certain people, especially when they’re outside of the Orthodox, hyper-marriage-focused community. Whenever I pick up dinner and explain to the waiter that some of it is for my fiancé who’s waiting in the car (unless you’re a single female who has ordered large quantities of food before, you wouldn’t believe the looks you get when you do just that), the word sounds — and feels — awkward.
Part of the problem might be that I’m still waiting for someone to laugh and ask how old I am when I say that I’m engaged. Everyone tells me I’ll appreciate looking young when I’m 40, but for now it just makes me feel like a fraud in a world filled with adults. Actually, I already have been laughed at.
My mother and I were getting ice cream the other day when she introduced me to someone in the store.
“This is my daughter — she recently got engaged,” my mom said.
“You look so young!” the woman replied.
“Yup, she’s 12,” my mom joked. “We just figured we should sell her as quickly as possible.”
As someone who’s always been sensitive about how young I look, I quickly jumped in to explain that, no, I was not actually sold into marriage, I am 23, and this is a perfect example of why I shouldn’t leave the house without makeup.
I think this feeling of being a fraud is where it all comes from. When I was younger — and a bit of an over-planner — I decided that when I grew up, I would get married between the ages of 22 and 24. To my 10-year old self, that sounded entirely reasonable. Now that I’m 23 and actually engaged, I still feel little.
My dream house has a big train set, not crystal or china. Heck, we included a Wii on our Amazon registry. I don’t plan on ever being fully mature (at least not yet), but it’s also difficult to reconcile having a fiancé with making poop jokes. Which we do. Incessantly. It’s easier to think of my future husband as a best friend, as someone I love and want to live with forever. But the word fiancé sounds so grown up, and I’m just not ready to leave behind toys and toilet humor. Instead, he and I will simply enjoy those things together.
Getting used to saying the word “boyfriend” was hard enough, but I quickly fell in love with it. It’s been over two months since I’ve had a fiancé, and I’m still acclimating to the word. I can’t even imagine how strange it will be to call him my “husband.”
The Forward is free to read, but it isn’t free to produce

I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward.
At a time when other newsrooms are closing or cutting back, the Forward has removed its paywall and invested additional resources to report on the ground from Israel and around the U.S. on the impact of the war, rising antisemitism and polarized discourse.
Readers like you make it all possible. We’ve started our Passover Fundraising Drive, and we need 1,800 readers like you to step up to support the Forward by April 21. Members of the Forward board are even matching the first 1,000 gifts, up to $70,000.
This is a great time to support independent Jewish journalism, because every dollar goes twice as far.
— Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO
2X match on all Passover gifts!
Most Popular
- 1
News A Jewish Republican and Muslim Democrat are suddenly in a tight race for a special seat in Congress
- 2
Fast Forward The NCAA men’s Final Four has 3 Jewish coaches
- 3
Fast Forward Cory Booker proclaims, ‘Hineni’ — I am here — 19 hours into anti-Trump Senate speech
- 4
Film & TV What Gal Gadot has said about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict
In Case You Missed It
-
Fast Forward Pennsylvania Jewish groups condemn ‘genocide’ slogan on Gisele Fetterman’s charity
-
Fast Forward A Republican senator called Chuck Schumer ‘Fuhrer’
-
Fast Forward The Ben of Ben & Jerry’s is asking Unilever to let his ice cream brand go
-
Fast Forward 80 years after Auschwitz, kosher food will be sold in its town of Oświęcim
-
Shop the Forward Store
100% of profits support our journalism
Republish This Story
Please read before republishing
We’re happy to make this story available to republish for free, unless it originated with JTA, Haaretz or another publication (as indicated on the article) and as long as you follow our guidelines.
You must comply with the following:
- Credit the Forward
- Retain our pixel
- Preserve our canonical link in Google search
- Add a noindex tag in Google search
See our full guidelines for more information, and this guide for detail about canonical URLs.
To republish, copy the HTML by clicking on the yellow button to the right; it includes our tracking pixel, all paragraph styles and hyperlinks, the author byline and credit to the Forward. It does not include images; to avoid copyright violations, you must add them manually, following our guidelines. Please email us at [email protected], subject line “republish,” with any questions or to let us know what stories you’re picking up.