“I’m 41, religious and single. I’m not prepared to give up on motherhood and I’m also not prepared to give up on my halakhic devotion. If I can’t have a partner, at least I should have a child.”
With this impassioned plea, Aviva Harbater opened up the 2011 inaugural conference of KayamaMoms, a Jerusalem-based organization set up to support religious women anywhere on “the single mother by choice journey”.
Five years later, KayamaMoms can take credit for some 48 babies born to single mothers, and for creating a unique supportive community for these alternative families. The organization provides information on pregnancy and adoption, advice on financial planning and parenting, and runs seminars and regular support groups.
The Sisterhood recently interviewed KayamaMoms co-founder and co-director Dina Pinner, originally from the U.K. and living in Jerusalem for many years now.
Rebecca Schischa: How did KayamaMoms come about?
Dina Pinner: I was 37 and a friend sent an informal email round saying: “We’re all single and none of us is getting any younger — let’s have children and form a community.” I thought: “Why not?” We met at the home of one woman — who already had children on her own — and sat around the table discussing it. But it was completely non-committal. We met again a few months later and this time we said: “OK, let’s organize a conference.”
Together with my co-founders / co-directors, Yael Ukeles and Dvora Ross (and another woman who since left the group and got married), we spent a year planning, and our inaugural conference took place in November 2011.
And during this time, I met my partner! I was meant to be setting up this thing with single women and I felt kind of bad. Finally, about three months after we met, I emailed the others and said: “I’ve met someone, can I still be involved?”
How does KayamaMoms support single women to become moms?
We run two separate monthly meetings. One is for anyone on the journey to becoming a single mother by choice — to talk, ask questions, think out loud.
The other is for moms and kids. It’s important for the kids to meet up and realize that although their family does not look like other families, there are others just like theirs. It’s also important for our moms to have a safe space to talk. Single mothers by choice have particular challenges. One mom said when she was pregnant with her second child, her doctor told her not to carry anything heavy. She laughed and asked the doctor: “Can you carry my child and my shopping for me?”
We’re an international organization and have two secret Facebook groups, one in Hebrew and one English. We have women from the U.S., England, Europe, all over the place. I’ll be in New York and London in the next few months and hope to organize meetings in both places.
Have attitudes changed towards single mothers by choice in the religious community in Israel?
We knew we had become mainstream when my friend — who always tells me about Yossi, the janitor at the big organization where she works, who’s been saying to her for years: “Nu, when are you getting married?” — called me up and said: “You cannot believe what just happened to me! Yossi said to me: ‘What are you waiting for? Go have a baby! Haven’t you heard — religious women are having babies on their own now!’” We knew we had arrived then.
What kind of issues do single moms by choice describe?
The single mother by choice story is a beautiful story, which our moms pass on to their kids: “I was willing to do absolutely everything to have you.” All the kids know their stories. But situations do come up. One member described a conversation with her son. They were in the car and he said out of the blue:
“Yuval’s got an abba [dad], Can I have an abba?” At first she panicked…but then she remembered how to approach the subject: “Yes, Yuval’s got an abba — what did you notice about his abba that made you think you wanted one?” “Well, Yuval’s abba helped him learn to ride a bike. Who’s going to help me learn to ride a bike?” “OK, no problem, we’re going to speak to Saba [grandpa] tomorrow and he’s going to teach you how to ride a bike too.”
Are there any halakhic issues involved in single women becoming mothers?
There are rabbis who have said we are “destroying the Jewish family”. But there is no halakhic prohibition. Our rabbi-advisor, Rabbi Yuval Cherlow, says that a woman shouldn’t really go into this before she’s around 34, as she should make “a gallant effort” to get married first. He says that ideally women should use non-Jewish sperm to prevent any issues later on of yichus [when someone could inadvertently marry a sibling]. But some women prefer to use Jewish sperm. It’s a personal choice.
Any final thought?
Alternative families are not going away anywhere, and either we can embrace them or we can make them and their children feel rejected. It’s the choice of the rabbi of each community as to what message they want to send out: that the unmarried and the childless should be ignored or that they should be embraced.
Q&A: Dina Pinner of KayamaMoms Talks Motherhood for Single Orthodox Women