Skip To Content
JEWISH. INDEPENDENT. NONPROFIT.
Back to Opinion

Maya Angelou’s Lesson for the Orthodox

‘People will forget what you said.

People will forget what you did.

But people will never forget how you made them feel.’ – Maya Angelou (1928–2014)

(Haaretz) — To me, this beautiful quote from the now late, great Maya Angelou, encapsulates so much of the tension in Orthodox Judaism today. Generally, people in my community are either baffled by any dissatisfaction with Orthodox Judaism or they are convinced they have an intellectual response that can fix the problem.

There is a tendency to believe that if we say the right thing or if we do the right thing everyone will be content. Or that even if individuals are unhappy or uncomfortable, it doesn’t matter – if we did the right thing and they are still disgruntled – it’s their problem. It’s a philosophy that assumes that there are objective responses to subjective circumstances and that we can preselect the experience of community members by providing a particular group of words or ideas.

But that isn’t true. Two people can have the same experience but feel completely different. There is no objective version of Orthodox Judaism. Despite our best intentions and our greatest efforts, the correct answers or even our sincerity don’t really determine the fate of everyone’s commitment to Orthodox Judaism. The thing that makes or breaks Orthodox Jewish continuity, in my opinion, is “how we made them feel.”

This is what Maya Angelou taught us in the quote above. Our memories are selective and some things stick for longer and dig deeper than others. Words and actions can make an impression on us, but they are not the thing that make the strongest impression on us.

The way we feel matters most. If some of us do not feel safe, comfortable, and joyful within the context of Orthodox Judaism, those feelings matter more than any intellectual or ritual attachment we have to our traditions. It’s that simple.

The most important thing we can do for the future of Orthodox Judaism is not to be able untangle the Gordian knots of Talmudic reasoning or be incredibly diligent about halachic observance. Let’s assume that’s being done already. But that’s simply – as the poem says – what we say and what we do. Certainly, that’s extremely important: saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing is harmful.

But the thing that matters more is the way the things we say or do make others feel. If their feelings are negative and fearful, then that is what they will remember. Our words and actions will drown in the sea of negative emotions. The most important thing we can do is make sure that when people remember “how we made them feel” they are remembering the positive feeling they had.

Therefore, our concern should be to create positive Jewish experiences and also acknowledge and relieve the pain of negative experiences. How we feel matters even if everything was done “right.” Being right does not determine how another person will feel. We need to be conscious of those feelings irrespective of saying or doing what is right.

Conversely, we can manufacture good experiences and emphasize the importance of positive feelings towards our Jewish experience. That is the thing that people remember. Let’s make sure our community remembers that Orthodox Judaism should feel good and let’s make an effort to cultivate those positive experiences so that our community remembers the feelings.

And they will remember what Maya Angelou teaches us what lasts the longest – how we made them feel.

For more stories, go to Haaretz.com or to subscribe to Haaretz, click here and use the following promotional code for Forward readers: FWD13.

Republish This Story

Please read before republishing

We’re happy to make this story available to republish for free, unless it originated with JTA, Haaretz or another publication (as indicated on the article) and as long as you follow our guidelines. You must credit the Forward, retain our pixel and preserve our canonical link in Google search.  See our full guidelines for more information, and this guide for detail about canonical URLs.

To republish, copy the HTML by clicking on the yellow button to the right; it includes our tracking pixel, all paragraph styles and hyperlinks, the author byline and credit to the Forward. It does not include images; to avoid copyright violations, you must add them manually, following our guidelines. Please email us at [email protected], subject line “republish,” with any questions or to let us know what stories you’re picking up.

We don't support Internet Explorer

Please use Chrome, Safari, Firefox, or Edge to view this site.