Plaintiff’s Attorney: Sir, it says here that you deliver toys to ALL the good boys and girls. Is that correct?

Claus: Yes, but it’s not like it’s a contract. It’s just…

Plaintiff’s Attorney: It does use the word “ALL” doesn’t it?

Claus: Yes, it does.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: In fact, you don’t actually deliver toys to all the good boys and girls, do you?

Claus: Well…

Plaintiff’s Attorney: You don’t do that, do you?

Claus: No. No I don’t.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: Mr. Claus, on the night of December 24, 2003, you didn’t deliver any toys to little Jacob [pointing to plaintiff]. Isn’t that right?

Claus: I can’t really remember, I mean there are millions of kids…

Plaintiff’s Attorney: Mr. Claus, I put before you what has been marked as Plaintiff’s Exhibit 32. Do you recognize that?

Claus: Yes.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: Could you tell us what it is?

Claus: It’s an excerpt from our master list of all the good children who had toys delivered to them on the night of December 24, 2003.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: And the excerpt includes all last names beginning with the letters “Gol,” isn’t that right?

Claus: Yes.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: And Jacob’s last name isn’t there, is it?

Claus [thumbing through exhibit]: No, it isn’t.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: You have no reason to doubt the accuracy of your own list, do you?

Claus: No. We’re pretty good about those things.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: So, in fact, based on Exhibit 32, you have no reason to believe that any toys were delivered to little Jacob that night, do you?

Claus: No, I don’t.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: Now, at any time prior to December 24, 2003, did you make any inquiry into whether Jacob had been a good boy?

Claus: Well, I’d have to see the lists.

Plaintiff’s Attorney [handing defendant another exhibit]: Feel free.

Claus [thumbing through exhibit]: No. It appears that we did not.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: So at the time you skipped over Jacob’s house, you had no idea, one way or the other, whether Jacob had been naughty or nice?

Claus: No, I didn’t.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: You didn’t even bother to ask.

Defense Attorney: Objection.

Judge: Sustained.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: Sir, no one with Jacob’s last name got any toys that night, did they?

Claus: Can I see the other list?

Plaintiff’s Attorney: Well, you don’t have to look at the list to know that you’ve never delivered toys to anyone named “Goldberg,” do you?

Claus: I don’t…

Plaintiff’s Attorney: I’ll rephrase it. You’ve never delivered toys to anyone with the last name Goldberg, have you?

Claus: No. No, I haven’t.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: In fact, you’ve never even bothered to check whether any boy or girl with the last name Goldberg was naughty or nice, have you?

Claus: No.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: And that’s because despite your promise to deliver presents to ALL boys and girls, you don’t give anything to Jewish children, do you?

Claus: Well, they don’t believe in me. Why should I?

Plaintiff’s Attorney: You exist, don’t you?

Claus: Yes, I exist. Of course I exist.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: And you exist even if some children don’t believe in you, isn’t that right?

Claus: Yeah, of course.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: So, it doesn’t really matter if a child doesn’t believe in you, does it?

Claus: Well, why should I break my neck…

Plaintiff’s Attorney: Before delivering presents to the Christian children, do you ever check and see if they believe in you?

Claus: No, that would be next to imp…

Plaintiff’s Attorney: You don’t, do you?

Claus: No, I don’t.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: But Jewish children are automatically excluded from getting presents, aren’t they?

Claus: Yes.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: Mr. Claus, did it ever occur to you that little Jacob Goldberg might not be Jewish?

Claus: Oh, Christ.

Adam Grace is an attorney and the father of two children who have been very good.

This is a moment of great uncertainty. Here’s what you can do about it.

We hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, we’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s independent Jewish news this Passover.

This is a moment of great uncertainty for the news media, for the Jewish people, and for our sacred democracy. It is a time of confusion and declining trust in public institutions. An era in which we need humans to report facts, conduct investigations that hold power to account, tell stories that matter and share honest discourse on all that divides us.

With no paywall or subscriptions, the Forward is entirely supported by readers like you. Every dollar you give this Passover is invested in the future of the Forward — and telling the American Jewish story fully and fairly.

The Forward doesn’t rely on funding from institutions like governments or your local Jewish federation. There are thousands of readers like you who give us $18 or $36 or $100 each month or year.

Don't just read the Forward - invest in it. Make a gift today.

Support our mission to tell the Jewish story fully and fairly.

Support Our Work