8 Reasons Luis Suarez Should Convert to Judaism

Image by getty images
Luis Suarez, right, has been banned from the World Cup for biting Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini/Getty Images
In the most dramatic turn of events at the World Cup in Brazil so far, Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez — one of the most talented players of his generation — has been banned from “all football-related activities” for four months for biting the shoulder of Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini in Uruguay’s June 24 game against Italy.
That means he’ll miss the entire rest of the World Cup.
Here’s why Suarez should use his enforced absence from the beautiful game to join the Chosen People.
1. Chicken soup tastes better than Chiellini’s shoulder.
Obviously Luis Suarez isn’t satisfied with what he’s eating, as he previously bit Branislav Ivanovic on the arm in 2013 and Ottman Bakkal on the neck in 2010. It’s time for some chewy bagels, some delicious chicken soup or a bowl of cholent.
2. He’s part of a plucky minority already
Uruguay is the smallest nation represented at the World Cup Finals in Brazil. Stuck on the coast of South America wedged in between Argentina and Brazil, scant distance from Buenos Aires, Uruguayans are used to being part of an embattled minority already. So nu, Luis, add another embattled minority to your resume.
3. We can help with the overbite
Surely one of the reasons that Suarez keeps biting people is his massive overbite. Perhaps these four months would be a time to get that dental work done. I’m not saying that one of the many excellent American Jewish orthodontists wouldn’t help a non-Jew, but for a fellow Member of the Tribe, perhaps there’s a good deal.
4. We can help with the psychological issues
Another reason that Suarez keeps biting people is that he has some sort of mental disorder. It’s time to seek further psychological help. Again, it’s not that you need to be Jewish to get psychoanalysed, but perhaps it’s time he took that extra step. So, Luis, get on the couch and tell us about your childhood.
5. We have previous successes turning bites to kisses
When Esau reconciles with Jacob — 20 years after Jacob stole his inheritance — Esau kisses him. Rabbinic commentaries suggest that this kiss was an aborted bite, with “the word ‘kiss’ [vayishakeihu] and the word ‘bite’ [vayishakheihu] differing in only one letter.” What a perfect bar mitzvah portion for young Luis.
6. There’s a home for you in Montevideo
Though Jewish history began as early as 1680 in Uruguay’s Colonia, a fortress outpost where both conversos and Marranos lived, and where a mikveh was discovered, Montevideo’s Jewish community is new-ish and could do with an iconic talisman.
7. The symbolic act
I’ve no idea whether Suarez is already circumcised but, given the number of people wanting to kill him, maybe it would be best to channel that physical violence into a ritual of belonging.
8. It’s not just biting
In 2011 Suarez (who has a black grandfather) was found guilty of racially abusing Manchester United full back Patrice Evra. What better way of understanding the pain that such abuse could cause than joining another ethnic minority? Maybe he already does have Sephardi blood in him from the many conversos who left the Iberian peninsular for South America. As Suarez turns from aggressor to victim, Abe Foxman would surely be happy to stand by his side — yet another reason to convert.
Come on home, Lewis da Costa-Suarez. You know you were standing at Sinai.
With thanks to Eddy Portnoy
The Forward is free to read, but it isn’t free to produce

I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward.
At a time when other newsrooms are closing or cutting back, the Forward has removed its paywall and invested additional resources to report on the ground from Israel and around the U.S. on the impact of the war, rising antisemitism and polarized discourse.
Readers like you make it all possible. We’ve started our Passover Fundraising Drive, and we need 1,800 readers like you to step up to support the Forward by April 21. Members of the Forward board are even matching the first 1,000 gifts, up to $70,000.
This is a great time to support independent Jewish journalism, because every dollar goes twice as far.
— Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO
2X match on all Passover gifts!
Most Popular
- 1
News A Jewish Republican and Muslim Democrat are suddenly in a tight race for a special seat in Congress
- 2
Film & TV What Gal Gadot has said about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict
- 3
Fast Forward The NCAA men’s Final Four has 3 Jewish coaches
- 4
Fast Forward Cory Booker proclaims, ‘Hineni’ — I am here — 19 hours into anti-Trump Senate speech
In Case You Missed It
-
News Rabbis revolt over LGBTQ club, exposing fight over queer acceptance at Yeshiva University
-
Opinion In Qatargate fiasco, Netanyahu’s ‘witch hunt’ narrative takes cues from Trump
-
Yiddish די הגדה ווי אַ לעבעדיקער דענקמאָל פֿון אַשכּנזישער פּאָעזיעThe Haggadah as a living monument to Ashkenazi poetry
אַמאָל זענען די פּייטנים, מיסטישע דיכטער־וויזיאָנערן, געווען אויבן־אָן בײַ די פֿראַנצויזישע און דײַטשישע ייִדן.
-
Opinion Marine Le Pen may be headed to prison — antisemitism and xenophobia still roam freely
-
Shop the Forward Store
100% of profits support our journalism
Republish This Story
Please read before republishing
We’re happy to make this story available to republish for free, unless it originated with JTA, Haaretz or another publication (as indicated on the article) and as long as you follow our guidelines.
You must comply with the following:
- Credit the Forward
- Retain our pixel
- Preserve our canonical link in Google search
- Add a noindex tag in Google search
See our full guidelines for more information, and this guide for detail about canonical URLs.
To republish, copy the HTML by clicking on the yellow button to the right; it includes our tracking pixel, all paragraph styles and hyperlinks, the author byline and credit to the Forward. It does not include images; to avoid copyright violations, you must add them manually, following our guidelines. Please email us at [email protected], subject line “republish,” with any questions or to let us know what stories you’re picking up.