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The Schmooze

Mel Gibson and the Case of the Movie-Stealing Jews

Well, Mel Gibson is in the news again, having emerged from whatever Beverly Hills bunker he came from to show the world yet another one of his heavy-handed “belabored man of faith” movies, the perhaps aptly named “Hacksaw Ridge.”

And it seems that, much like love, it ain’t easy getting rid of lifelong anti-Semitism. According to erstwhile Fox News bloviator Glenn Beck (which, yes, I know, I’ll get to that in a second), Gibson is still blaming Jews for the “troubles” he encountered during his Passion of The Christ era. In a recent heart-to-heart between the two—which can be counted pretty damned high on the list of “rooms I’d rather not be in”—Gibson allegedly told Beck that “Jewish people” had stolen a copy of The Passion and used it to attack him and “make his life hell” before the film’s release.

Okay. I realize that this is something of a mess of a scenario, but for a second, let’s go out on the thinnest of limbs and imagine that Glenn Beck is, for whatever reason, telling the truth. In that case, Mel Gibson, it’s time to take a knee.

So wait, it was a mysterious cabal of “Jewish people” who “stole your movie” that caused your troubles. By doing what, exactly? Showing it to people? Because if I recall correctly, it was the, you know, actual content of the movie that you wrote, created, directed, and released that people took issue with. Remember, that part where literal hissing, hook-nosed Jews machinate to have Jesus brutally tortured to death over what amounts to an hour and a half of Saw-style torture porn? I think it was that part that got people a little steamed at you, not so much this secret “band of Rabbis, or something” who apparently “stole” the movie. Even if this imaginary pack of roving sticky-handed clergy did exist, all you’re accusing them of doing is showing people the actual movie you made—you know, the super anti-Semitic one.

And let’s talk about the alleged “troubles” that the supposed Jewish coup caused you. Tell me, what part of the $612 million that The Passion earned worldwide was particularly perilous to you? If the issue is, as you state it, that “all of a sudden”, you were a “Pariah”, well, maybe you should recall possible other reasons for that “pariah”-hood—you know, like saying Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world, or assaulting your then-girlfriend so badly you shattered her teeth, or being the sort of guy who threatens said girlfriend with being “raped by a pack of n*ggers.”

That’s really not the sort of guy people like to have at parties, bud.

But enjoy your delusion. And don’t worry! If anything goes wrong with this movie, you can just blame the Jews again. I’m sure there are enough bands of ninja movie-stealing Rabbis hiding in the eaves of your imagination to last you many years to come.

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