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The Schmooze

Al Franken’s New Book Does Not Let Ted Cruz Off Easy

There are some who might call the chapter about Ted Cruz in Senator Al Franken’s new book “unprofessional” or “mean-spirited” or even “rude.”

To that I would say, your feelings are valid.

But then I would say that any senator whose first piece of legislation is a bill that pairs disabled veterans with service dogs is allowed to do anything he wants without consequence, especially if what he wants is to write 20 scathing pages that truly rips rumored Zodiac killer Ted “I-shut-down-the-government” Cruz a new one.

For those who have not yet had the privilege of reading Franken’s words for yourself, I’ve mined the chapter for his most cutting Ted-related observations.

1.Ted’s condescension hung in the air like the stench from a cat box in an apartment with forty cats belonging to an elderly woman who had just been found dead.

2.When most people think of a cruise that’s full of shit, they think of Carnival. But we think of Ted.

3.I don’t begrudge Ted [for being smart]. There are plenty of senators who are smarter than I am, or have more natural political aptitude than I do. But I like them all. Because none of them are sociopaths

4.The problem with Ted is simply that he’s an absolutely toxic coworker. He’s the guy in your office who snitches to corporate about your March Madness pool and microwaves fish in the office kitchen. He is the Dwight Schrute of the office.

5.Here’s the thing you have to understand about Ted Cruz. I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz.

Al Franken is a true gift to American liberals. May he one day pass legislation that makes it illegal to not let people pet your service dog.

Becky Scott is the editor of The Schmooze. Follow her on Twitter at @arr_scott

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