Heather, Heather, and Heather, circa 2018 Image by YouTube Screenshot

In the TV remake of the 1988 cult-classic bildungsromurderous movie “Heathers,” times have changed. In the first trailer for the Paramount Network series, high school is run not by a ruthless squad of preppies but by a threesome that includes a genderqueer student, a black student and a plus-sized ringleader. “Asian kids can be popular now,” marvels a school administrator in the trailer. “Obviously, the gays and Jews are over,” a colleague muses. The three “Heathers” dominate the school, torturing their rosy-lipped, flaxen-haired peer Veronica (Winona Rider in the original film) until her floppy-haired Adderall addict boyfriend inspires her to murder them. The whole thing is supposed to be a powerful satire about popularity and revenge and violence.

One can only assume that Paramount purchased this “Heathers” on a sunny day during the Obama administration, perhaps after a week-long cleanse from human interaction. If the intent of the reboot to suggest that in this brave new world of transgender tolerance, body-acceptance and anti-racism we must remember that even the most disenfranchised among us can be cruel, then that makes no sense because this is not a brave new world of any of those things (it’s the same terrible old world and we’re going to be stuck here we’d like to have Winona Rider.) I think that most gay and Jewish teens in America’s public schools would tell you that conventionally attractive blonde girls do still have more fun. Of course, we hope we’re wrong! This is a satire, obviously. The question remains — a satire of what?

We’ll find out what the damage is on March 7, when the show premieres.

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