Giraffe Milk Is Kosher

Siegelmania

By Stanley Siegelman

Published July 28, 2008.
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NEWS ITEM: An Israeli rabbi, an authority on kashrut, declared that giraffe milk is kosher. Said he: “The giraffe has all the signs of a ritually pure animal, and the milk that forms curds strengthened that.” The rabbi based his ruling on a recent finding by researchers at Bar Ilan University who had taken a milk sample while treating an ailing giraffe.


Imagine milking a giraffe!
The sight’s enough to make one laugh!
Can there be someone who delights
In striving for such absurd heights?
The milk is now proclaimed as safe,
Which means glatt kosher, pure, not treyf.
Whoever thought, or dreamt, or heard
That this secretion formed a curd?
May Providence, we humbly pray,
Illumine still another whey!
But let’s avoid unseemly haste,
First take a sip! How does it taste?

This animal, it must be said,
Is mammal — and a quadruped.
Like other creatures of its ilk,
It lactates liquid we call milk.
To stimulate the fluid-flow,
One lends a hand, on tippy-toe.
By gazing upward, might a guy
Get squirted in his open eye?
Such incidents could cause travail
That goes (who knows?) beyond the pail.
To expedite the milking deal
Perhaps the animal could kneel.
This sight would really be quite rare:
A beast that’s seemingly at pray’r!
Were sages really wise to preach
Man’s grasp should not exceed his reach?


Oysmelkn ken men a zhiraf?
Der moyekh zogt tsu unz: S’iz tough!
Di hoykhenish iz a problem,
Der nopl iz vayt avek (ahem!)

Di milkh iz yetst derklert nit treyf,
Der rebbe zogt der sheid iz safe.
A curd farmogt es — gantz O.K.!
Shray nit “gevald,” shray nit “oy whey”!

Nor hot di milkh a Yidishn tam?
Tsi hot es a geshmak vi sam?
Di gantse zakh iz a pshetl,
Do meynt a tempest in a kettle!

Di khaye mit dem langn fis
Gantz ruik iz, un oykhet zis.
Zi zeltn makht a tsore, fuss,
Un oykhet iz herbivorous!

A man muz oyf di tsipkes shteyn
Tsu kvetshn milkh (vanilla, plain).
Di flisikeit kumt vi a blits:
Zayn oyg ken krign aza shprits!

Nor shtel ir oyfn kni aher,
Der emer’z demolt hart by ir.
Far tsutrit tsu der muter’s brust,
Tsu makhn zikh vi a kalb du muzst!


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