BINTEL BRIEFSince Oct. 7, my daughter has become anti-Israel, and I’m grieving
Bintel says there are ways to talk about Israel with family who disagree
How do you manage the grief of a daughter who, after Oct. 7, has become anti-Israel? Graphic by Nora Berman
By Nora Berman September 11, 2024
A Bintel Brief, Yiddish for a bundle of letters, has been solving reader dilemmas since 1906. Send yours via email, social media or this form.
Dear Bintel,
My daughter has changed her political views in the last three months, and has been against Israel, but never was like this before. She lives in another part of the country and has been listening to a radio program that talks against Israel.
She has told me that she feels Israel encouraged the Oct. 7 attack. I am disappointed with her, because I do not agree.
When we speak I remain calm and try to understand why she has changed her attitude towards Israel. She has also convinced my grandson of her views. How do I handle this challenge? I am grieving through this issue.
Signed,
Distressed by My Daughter
Dear Distressed,
First and foremost, you are not alone. The Oct. 7 terror attack and ensuing war in Gaza has caused probably the single biggest intra-communal rift the American Jewish community has ever experienced. The word “rift” doesn’t even begin to encapsulate the heartbreak, pain and shock of the last year, and fights over how American Jews relate to Israel are happening in many families.
Honestly, you seem to already be “handling” this challenge better than a lot of people we talk to. You’re staying calm when you speak to your daughter. You’re framing this situation as something to understand rather than saying, “How can I convince my daughter to think the same way I do?” Most importantly, you’re acknowledging that you are grieving.
By recognizing explicitly that your daughter’s change of heart on Israel is causing you deep sadness, you’re staying grounded in your feelings, and hopefully are therefore less likely to lash out and say something in anger that you regret.
Now for what to do. The most important thing is to remain in a loving relationship with your daughter. Family is more important than any geopolitical conflict. Maybe you agree that Israel not be a topic you discuss; plenty of families don’t talk politics.
If that doesn’t work for your family, you’ll need at least some guardrails for the conversations to protect everybody’s vulnerable points. My brilliant colleague Rob Eshman has some great advice for how to talk to people who, in his words, “hate Israel.” He suggests starting with the simple question “What do you want?”
It’s so simple, but also so powerful. It reorients the two people into a conversation about the future of this region, instead of a litany of wrongs that each side has committed. It is not a question of labels: Zionist vs. anti-Zionist, pro-Palestine or pro-Israel. You might be surprised at the values and goals you and your daughter share if you pose this question.
Part of what seems to be hurting you the most is the influence your daughter’s disdain for Israel might have on your grandson. Indeed, a recent Pew study shows that most U.S. parents transmit their religious and political views to their children. That doesn’t mean that you have no sway; one thing you can model for your grandchild (and his mom) is that family members who profoundly disagree still love each other.
If your grandson or daughter mentions something about Israel that is inaccurate — like your daughter’s allegation that “Israel encouraged the Oct. 7 attack,” a claim with ample documentation proving it false — you should calmly and respectfully share well-sourced facts with them.
If they make an argument you disagree with, politely say, “That’s not the way I see it,” and ask if they’d like to discuss it further. Also bring an open-minded curiosity to the facts, sources and ideas they bring to such conversations — you have to actually be interested in why they think what they do.
Demonstrating that you remain firm in your beliefs but are genuinely curious about theirs and committed to understanding all points of view shows your grandson that you are someone safe to discuss difficult topics with.
It could also be interesting to start a mother-daughter (or tri-generation, if age appropriate) information exchange on Israel. You can each commit to reading an article or book, or listening to a podcast, the other recommends, and then convene to discuss them. Leaning into an attitude of exploration versus an “I’m right, she’s wrong” binary can help lessen the pain of this situation.
None of this will be easy. Nothing about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict or profoundly disagreeing about it with your offspring is easy! The grief you feel about your daughter’s shift may well remain, but comfort is not really the goal. It’s increasing mutual understanding and respect, and staying close.
Do you have a different solution for Distressed? Email us at [email protected], or submit a question of your own via this anonymous form.
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