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The Schmooze

6 Torah Verses That Explain Why Solange Attacked Jay Z

Confused by the whole Jay Z/Beyoncé/Solange elevator spat? Here’s an easy way to make sense of it. Just imagine Jay Z as Jacob, Beyoncé as Rachel and Solange as Leah. Here’s how it would have gone down in Bible times:

1. “And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice.”

Bey and Jay first meet, they sing, they’re hot, it’s awesome.

2. “And Leah’s eyes were weak; but Rachel was of beautiful form and fair to look upon.”

Little sister Solange may be an indie princess, but Beyoncé is a queen. Beyoncé and Jay Z get hitched. But lo and behold…

3. “And it came to pass in the morning that, behold, it was Leah.”

Solange is everywhere. Jay Z can’t turn his head without catching a glimpse of her. The wrong sister.

4. “And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel.”

‘Does your sister have to follow us everywhere?’ — Elevator street fight ensues.

5. “And Rachel said: ‘With mighty wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and have prevailed.”

Solange starts Instagram war, deleting all pictures of Beyonce. Beyoncé responds with an onslaught of sister pics. Solange loses Instagram war.

6. “And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her.”

Bow down.

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