A Megillah Free From Temptation

Graphic by Angelie Zaslavsky
Paid advertisement for good kosher product
Gentlemen, have you ever found yourself turned on by promiscuous images of Queen Esther on Purim night? Or, perhaps, Queen Vashti before she grew a tail and refused to chow down on Accutane? Now, with “Kosher Megillah,” you will no longer need to position your scroll to conceal your growing bulge.
In an unprecedented act of unity, leading rebbes from Satmar, Gur, Bobov, Bobover and Boboverest sects have spent a year learning every salacious part of the megillah in order to cut out the smut. The 36 gaonim, known as the Va’ad HaFervent, went out of their way to experience every form of lascivious torment over the course of 12 months — so that you can be spared it.
You will all remember how last year Rabbi Entitledbaum railed against the ancient text and the many seeds spilled over it:
“My Tatte (father) zichrone livroche would never have agreed to reading from the megillah with names of women. This pirtzeh (breach of modesty), which causes men to sin, has been diagnosed as the cancer of our time.”
Now, this year save yourself from the cancer and read all about how Mordechai the Jew saved his people from Ahasuerus free from all fear of temptation. And, thanks to the Va’ad HaFervent’s edits, the new slim scroll means you can even get to the vodka in record quick time.
The “Kosher Megillah”: now available at any good mikveh or at Amazon.com. Comes with free chador.
Why I became the Forward’s Editor-in-Chief
- Alyssa Katz, Editor-in-Chief
You are surely a friend of the Forward if you’re reading this. And so it’s with excitement and awe — of all that the Forward is, was, and will be — that I introduce myself to you as the Forward’s newest editor-in-chief.
And what a time to step into the leadership of this storied Jewish institution! For 129 years, the Forward has shaped and told the American Jewish story. I’m stepping in at an intense time for Jews the world over. We urgently need the Forward’s courageous, unflinching journalism — not only as a source of reliable information, but to provide inspiration, healing and hope.
