How can a parent support a shy teenager? Illustration by iStock/Canva

By Beth Harpaz December 20, 2024

Dear Bintel,

I have a sweet, attractive and shy Jewish daughter who is 16 years old. I want her to meet Jewish teens (including boys) her own age. The local synagogue tries to arrange programs, but few youths show up. I can’t afford to send her to Jewish private school. Do you have any suggestions? 

Sincerely,
Perplexed Parent

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Dear Perplexed,

Implicit in your letter is a concern that your daughter isn’t dating Jewish boys and therefore isn’t on the road to marrying one. Here’s my take: Don’t push her. She’s only 16. These days, lots of young people don’t have a real romantic relationship until college or even later. And many Jews who marry non-Jews stay active in Jewish life and raise Jewish kids.

Think more broadly about her social life and interests, and worry less about the religious affiliation of kids she spends time with. Is she lonely? Or just shy? Does she have a couple of good friends, Jewish or not? Does she need guidance in finding activities that interest her, or does she already have things she loves to do, even if it’s not with the Jewish peer group you wish she had?

Ask her: If you could do anything in the world for fun, or if you could learn any skill right now, what would it be? Throw out some ideas: volunteering at a zoo or animal rescue group; helping out at a park or community garden; taking a class in photography, poetry, pottery, tennis or dance; joining a team or gym; learning an instrument or joining a chorus.

You can weave Jew-ish programs through the options and see how they appeal. Go beyond your synagogue’s offerings to look at the local JCC or a regional youth group like BBYO, but also think about secular spaces like YMCAs (or YMHAs, if there’s one near you), the public library and local museums. If there’s a soup kitchen or Jewish nursing home looking for volunteers, she can pick up community service hours along the way. Maybe there’s a community college where high school students can take a class.

My own sons didn’t want anything to do with Hebrew school after their bar mitzvahs, but they worked at our synagogue from age 16 helping out with after-school programs and day camps, and as lifeguards at the pool. They loved the paychecks, got a jump on building a resume — and, along the way, made friends with other teenagers working there, Jewish and not.

Jewish sleepaway camps are certainly expensive, but there are often scholarships available, plus she’s probably old enough to work in the kitchen, on a maintenance crew or as a counselor-in-training. And there are other Jewish summer programs for teenagers, including ones focused on community service. Maybe split the summer: She could work for half, and put some of the money toward a fun travel experience in the second half.

Jews are a tiny minority in the United States, and the vast majority of our kids attend public schools in diverse communities. So instead of worrying about your daughter’s social set, focus on helping her build a strong, positive Jewish identity. If the synagogue’s teen programs are moribund, think of ways to connect your daughter to her heritage in other ways, starting at home and in the family. Make challah for Shabbat and latkes for Hanukkah, watch old movies like Fiddler and Crossing Delancey together, and get tickets to a new Jewish-themed film like A Real Pain. Teach her some Yiddish expressions, show her old family photos and help her understand her own heritage — does she know how her ancestors ended up in the U.S.?

If you stop worrying about whether or not she knows Jewish boys, and start emphasizing the pride and joy of being Jewish, while supporting her engagement with the wider world, I have no doubt she’ll find her way.

Do you have any additional thoughts for this advice-seeker? Send them to [email protected] or send in a question of your own. And don’t miss a Bintel — sign up for the Bintel Brief newsletter.

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