Clinton Wedding: WikiLeaks at the Wedding

Image by Getty

By Dan Friedman July 30, 2010

The Forward has learned that WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is not in Melbourne, Australia, as has been widely reported. According to documents that Assange accidentally leaked to his own website, Assange has set up shop in Rhinecliff, NY, where he and anonymous volunteers are amassing top-secret information about Chelsea Clinton’s wedding to Marc Mezvinsky.

The Forward has managed to plant moles in the Assange team, who have been issuing a steady stream of revelations about America’s most highly classified nuptials. Here are some of the highlights:

Although President Obama has not been invited, he will attempt to crash the wedding posing as SNL cast member Fred Armisen, an old friend of the Clintons.
Al Gore will be attending and, after his recent separation, will be bringing the Internet as his date.
One of the ushers will be Usher.
The teams for post-dinner charades have already been decided, and the early money is on Oprah, Steven Spielberg and Doris Kearns Goodwin as the team to beat. According to X-rays of the game envelopes, the first answer appears to be “Saved By the Bell,” or “The Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1993.”
In honor of the wedding, the town of Clinton, NY, 15 miles from Rhinebeck, will change its name to I Give It Three Years, NY.

In order to avoid a humiliating security breach, Tareq and Michaele Salahi have been invited.
The interfaith wedding ceremony has been carefully crafted to honor the traditions of both families. For example, the groom will smash a glass, and the bride will burn a copy of the Starr report.
The cost of the wedding has been budgeted at $2.9m, of which $1.5m will be legal fees. Fortunately guest Larry Summers has linked the $3m to Gulf of Mexico Bonds which means that BP is liable for all of the wedding’s clean up costs.

Ivanka Trump was not available for comment.

Thanks to Antonio Blanco and the Wise Men of Chelm

Previously on the Shmooze:

Clinton Wedding: It’s More Jewish Than You Think

Clinton Wedding: So, Who’s the Guy?

Clinton wedding: No Comment, Shut Up, Go Away

Clintons: Surviving as MOTB, FOTB and Converting

Dan Friedman is the former executive editor and whisky correspondent of the Forward, and is the author of a book about Tears for Fears, the ’80s emo rock band.

A message from our Publisher & CEO Rachel Fishman Feddersen

I hope you appreciated this article. Before you go, I’d like to ask you to please support the Forward’s award-winning, nonprofit journalism during this critical time.

The coming year promises to be filled with more complex and historic developments. We are entering an era where independent, fact-based Jewish journalism will be more important than ever. We need to be ready for whatever 2025 will bring, and with your help, we can be.

We’ve set a goal to raise $260,000 by December 31. That’s an ambitious goal, but one that will give us the resources we need to invest in the high quality news, opinion, analysis and cultural coverage that isn’t available anywhere else.

If you feel inspired to make an impact, now is the time to give something back. Join us as a member at your most generous level.

— Rachel Fishman Feddersen, Publisher and CEO