The Forward has learned that WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is not in Melbourne, Australia, as has been widely reported. According to documents that Assange accidentally leaked to his own website, Assange has set up shop in Rhinecliff, NY, where he and anonymous volunteers are amassing top-secret information about Chelsea Clinton’s wedding to Marc Mezvinsky.
The Forward has managed to plant moles in the Assange team, who have been issuing a steady stream of revelations about America’s most highly classified nuptials. Here are some of the highlights:
- Although President Obama has not been invited, he will attempt to crash the wedding posing as SNL cast member Fred Armisen, an old friend of the Clintons.
- Al Gore will be attending and, after his recent separation, will be bringing the Internet as his date.
- One of the ushers will be Usher.
- The teams for post-dinner charades have already been decided, and the early money is on Oprah, Steven Spielberg and Doris Kearns Goodwin as the team to beat. According to X-rays of the game envelopes, the first answer appears to be “Saved By the Bell,” or “The Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1993.”
- In honor of the wedding, the town of Clinton, NY, 15 miles from Rhinebeck, will change its name to I Give It Three Years, NY.
- In order to avoid a humiliating security breach, Tareq and Michaele Salahi have been invited.
- The interfaith wedding ceremony has been carefully crafted to honor the traditions of both families. For example, the groom will smash a glass, and the bride will burn a copy of the Starr report.
- The cost of the wedding has been budgeted at $2.9m, of which $1.5m will be legal fees. Fortunately guest Larry Summers has linked the $3m to Gulf of Mexico Bonds which means that BP is liable for all of the wedding’s clean up costs.
Ivanka Trump was not available for comment.
Thanks to Antonio Blanco and the Wise Men of Chelm
Previously on the Shmooze: