At Passover-time, only one thing is as constant as the dry taste of matzo: the inevitable reruns of “The Ten Commandments.” While I have tremendous respect for the immovable classic, and Charlton Heston (or Old Stoneface, as he’s affectionately known in my family), 56 years is a good long run. It’s time for a change.
“But what about the Prince of Egypt!” you may cry out. I know, I know. But when you were gleefully singing along to “When You Believe,” did you realize that the person behind Moses’ voice was Val Kilmer? Or that Sandra Bullock played Miriam? I thought not.
After thinking long and hard about who could lead such an ambitious project, it hit me. Who better to lead a reinterpretation of Exodus than the king of historical reinterpretations?
Yes, you guessed it.
I give you my fantasy “Ten Commandments” remake, Quentin Tarantino-style (just imagine the parting of the Dead Sea scene. It already has the word “dead” in it).
Eli Roth as Moses — Though a successful director, you probably know Roth from his role as the baseball bat-wielding “Bear Jew” in 2009’s “Inglorious Basterds.” Replace the bat with a shepherd’s crook, and you’ve got a killer Moses (literally!).
Mel Gibson as Pharaoh Ramses II —‘Nuff said.
Natalie Portman as Miriam — No one does strong, yet vulnerable like Natalie Portman. She’ll have us cheering with one heavy-lidded, tear-filled-but-determined glance.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Aaron — With that face, who wouldn’t follow him into the desert?
Emanuelle Chriqui as Tzipporah — Every Tarantino film needs a breakout actress, and let’s face it: she already played every Jewish boy’s fantasy on “Entourage.”
James Franco as Joshua — Strong and silent, poised to take over leadership after Moses’ exile, but not without a violent internal struggle. This just screams “Best Supporting Actor.”
Samuel L. Jackson as Pharaoh Seti I — It’s not Tarantino without Samuel L.
Is there anyone you would like to see in “The Ten Commandments”? Share it below!
Watch Eli Roth talk about “Inglorious Basterds,” oppression, and spending Passover with Quentin Tarantino.