1.John McCain Votes NO On Senate Healthcare Repeal

The only thing The Schmooze loves more than drama is healthcare and Senator John McCain delivered both to us Friday morning when he cast an epic vote against the GOP’s “skinny” repeal of Obamacare. McCain’s flawless shade threw Trump into a tweetstorm of Biblical proportions and it’s likely that he also made Mitch McConnell cry. Has McCain been plotting this revenge against Donald since the President first insulted his status as a former POW? As lovers of good old-fashioned diabolical plans a la Professor Snape, we certainly like to think so.

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2.Lana Del Rey Cast A Spell On The President And Doesn’t Care Who Knows It

Every week is bad for a man who can’t feel love but THIS week was a particular shitshow for President Donald J. Trump. His job approval rating dropped yet again, he failed to pass even a “skinny” repeal of the ACA, and the only person he can so much as eke a compliment out of is a nine-year-old child named Pickle. Can we thank Lana Del Rey for Donald Trump’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week? According to Lana Del Rey, the answer is yes and you’re welcome! The singer told NME in an interview that of course she used witchcraft on Trump — who do we think she is? A neoliberal???? If Del Rey is to be believed, she and her fans are responsible for Trump’s failure to pass pretty much any substantial legislation since his presidency began. She is not, however, responsible for the general sense of self-loathing he feels whenever he catches a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror. That comes from inside of him.

3.Justin Bieber Canceled His Tour To Spend More Time Worshiping

Justin Bieber, who was banned from China last week, announced Monday that he would be canceling the remainder of the dates for his sold-out “Purpose” tour. Though he didn’t specify why, several theories have been floating around, including the rumor that he canceled his tour to focus on Jesus H. Christ. TMZ reports that Bieber has become close to Cool Guy pastor Carl Lentz and is pivoting from pop stardom to the stage of Christ. Although Bieber has repeatedly denied these allegations, we at The Schmooze are choosing to #beliebe them.

4.That Viral Tinder Couple Finally Met

Schmooze intern Jenny Singer spent hours trying to deduce a Jewish link to one of the two straight people involved in the viral Tinder couple that finally met this week but, alas, both of them seem to be goy to the core. Their meeting could have been quite cute had it not been broadcast on Good Morning America! in front of a live audience full of strict mothers. Luckily, it doesn’t matter because globalization has destroyed romance and love died a long time ago.

5.Cara Delevigne Released A Music Video

“You can do anything,” said all of our parents but only Cara Delevigne’s parents truly meant it. The British model/actress/singer is so good-looking that, frankly, she could stand still throughout the duration of an entire music video and I’d still be enraptured by it — and that’s exactly what she did! Delevigne released an objectively bad music video to accompany her objectively bad movie release this week and both are stunning. Watch the music video below if you want to spend three minutes of your life reveling in a beauty that none of us deserve.

Becky Scott is the editor of The Schmooze. Follow her on Twitter, @arr_scott

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