Skip To Content
JEWISH. INDEPENDENT. NONPROFIT.
Life

How Should We Honor the Deceased at a Simcha?

Dear Bintel Brief:

My son’s bar mitzvah is later this month, and I am so proud of him. At the event, he has expressed a desire to honor his mother, my wife, who died last year after a long illness. But he has also expressed concern that he would be injecting a dose of sadness into what should be a happy event.

Can you offer any suggestions on how we can acknowledge his mother’s absence, all the while keeping the occasion celebratory rather than solemn? And should a tribute to her take place during the service or at the party afterwards?

Thank you.

PROUD DAD

Ed Koch Replies:

Dear Proud Dad:

It is normal and expected that a young man — now 13 — would include his recently deceased mother in his bar mitzvah remarks. All bar mitzvah boys, myself included, refer to our parents in our remarks at the religious ceremony. So encourage him to do so.

Americans, for the most part, fail to understand that death is part of life. Further, we should not constantly be sad when thinking of our deceased loved ones, particularly parents, but rather, think of them, if that was the case, as our protectors when we needed their close supervision and love. Rejoice in their accomplishments when they were here. Remark on what they meant to you in growing up and how they helped form your character.

Whenever the speech of the bar mitzvah boy is regularly scheduled to be held, either at the service or at the following party, is the appropriate place. For me, the choice would be at the service.

All the best.

Republish This Story

Please read before republishing

We’re happy to make this story available to republish for free, unless it originated with JTA, Haaretz or another publication (as indicated on the article) and as long as you follow our guidelines. You must credit the Forward, retain our pixel and preserve our canonical link in Google search.  See our full guidelines for more information, and this guide for detail about canonical URLs.

To republish, copy the HTML by clicking on the yellow button to the right; it includes our tracking pixel, all paragraph styles and hyperlinks, the author byline and credit to the Forward. It does not include images; to avoid copyright violations, you must add them manually, following our guidelines. Please email us at [email protected], subject line “republish,” with any questions or to let us know what stories you’re picking up.

We don't support Internet Explorer

Please use Chrome, Safari, Firefox, or Edge to view this site.