Billy Eichner and his Internet are pissed off Image by Getty Images

A bombshell news story on Tuesday revealed that at least 50 people, among them Hollywood star Felicity Huffman and fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli, have been charged by federal prosecutors for paying to falsify their children’s test scores and bribing their way into top universities. Parents as well as college employees are being charged in a scheme in which students entered institutions like Yale and the University of Southern California, in some cases by conspiring with coaches to pose as elite athletes, in other cases by plain ‘ole bribes.

If we may take a meta moment: as a Jewish pop culture page, the Schmooze spends the larger part of its waking hours on Jewish twitter. Rarely, if ever, have we seen such an outburst of pure indignation on that platform as we saw in response to the news of the college scandal.

Perhaps it’s our pent up fury and hurt over the fact that many American institutes of higher learning — including Yale and USC — kept out Jews for years using quotas until as late as the 1960s, reasoning that, (as Harvard’s president A. Laurence Lowell did,) too many Jews would “ruin the college.”

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Perhaps it’s because education is a deeply held Jewish value, and the university system has historically been a stepping stone for American Jews seeking social advancement.

Maybe we’re just sick and tired of the Ilhan Omar controversy.

And maybe we just love the drama.

But the Jews had what to say about the college scam. Here were some of the best of the best takes.

From actor Richard Dreyfuss’ son:

I got into college the old fashioned way: by letting my father’s celebrity speak for itself.

— Ben Dreyfuss (@bendreyfuss) March 12, 2019

From Billy Eichner, Judith Light acolyte:

JUDITH LIGHT GOT ME WAIT LISTED AT TUFTS

— billy eichner (@billyeichner) March 12, 2019

From Jewish crime scion Randy Rainbow:

My mother was just indicted for bringing rugelach to my audition for the Miami Beach Jewish Community Center’s 1996 production of Pippin.

— Randy Rainbow (@RandyRainbow) March 12, 2019

From “Jimmy Kimmel” writer, a taste of emet:

Now that the Hollywood Bribery Ring has been busted, the only thing helping rich kids get into college are legacy admissions, private tutors, board member connections, unpaid summer internships, interview coaches, and a lifetime of Ivy-bound grooming!!!

— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) March 12, 2019

Billy Eichner, again:

Look, it’s not the biggest problem in the world but I would not have gotten into Dartmouth without Mo’nique.

— billy eichner (@billyeichner) March 12, 2019

From a galactic perspective:

small brain: bribes are bad

big brain: they should’ve done it legally through fancy donations

galaxy brain: they should’ve done it super-legally by exploiting structures of socioeconomic discrimination and enrolling their kids in high-performing suburban high schools

— Jacob Anbinder (@JakeAnbinder) March 12, 2019

From a writer for the New Yorker:

I got waitlisted at both Brown and Harvard and have totally fucking failed at life, so

— Helen Rosner (@hels) March 12, 2019

From Sarah Silverman:

I went to NYU for 1 yr w/ a very small scholarship ($1500 per semester) and my dad paid the rest. I was shocked at all the rich kids whose parents “made them” go to college. Seriously- let someone who wants to learn go in your shitty kid’s place.

— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) March 12, 2019

From a man who has very good tweets on this topic, Billy Eichner:

Proud to say I got into Northwestern without the help of my mother, Laura Linney.

— billy eichner (@billyeichner) March 12, 2019

From an honest perspective:

Perhaps this is a good time to talk about all the perfectly legal ways the wealthy are both allowed and expected to manipulate college-admissions systems while teaching their children to disparage “affirmative action” https://t.co/VSoOwIiKp7

— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) March 12, 2019

As a drug:

Inject the long, detailed magazine article-to-be about this scandal directly into my veiiins https://t.co/G16QQhFcWM

— Willa Paskin (@willapaskin) March 12, 2019

From the perspective of not what we need, but what we deserve:

We deserve THREE 10,000-word articles, one podcast, two miniseries, and an A24 feature about this. (Do NOT let Adam McKay NEAR IT.) https://t.co/Vd5Jpsxgub

— mattie kahn (@mattiekahn) March 12, 2019

From reality:

Finally we have the grounds we need to impeach Felicity Huffman.

— Guy Branum (@guybranum) March 12, 2019

An important perspective on Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy:

This is what we get for assuming all interesting-looking character actors are smart

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) March 13, 2019

Jenny Singer is the deputy life/features editor for the Forward. You can reach her at [email protected] or on Twitter @jeanvaljenny

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