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Gwyneth’s Wellness Day: Crystals, Cellulite Reduction, And Lena Dunham

In goop Health”, a day of wellness in Los Angeles organized by Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, is only happening on June 10th. I’m already eagerly awaiting the women’s magazine treatment that events of that nature inevitably inspire: The event will be ridiculous. But tempting. Pseudoscientific but aesthetically compelling.

Tickets come at three crystal-named price points: Lapis, $500, Amethyst, $1,000, and Clear Quartz, $1,500; of the three, only Clear Quartz is (as of Monday morning) sold out.

I can’t decide whether I would – if I had the funds – rush to this event or run in the opposite direction. The lineup includes some fabulous women – yes, some Jewish – and I can think of worse ways to spend time than by “[d]iscover[ing] the floral salve for whatever is ailing you.” Along with The Gwyneth, Lena Dunham will be there, as will “Mating In Captivity” author, psychotherapist Esther Perel. Non-toxic manicures will be involved, which also sounds fun.

Less fun-sounding: There will be a dubious-sounding wellness treatment promising to “diminish cellulite,” which, nah. Nah as in, no it won’t, and as in, cellulite is just a normal part of most women’s bodies and not in need of a cure. Also questionable: an intravenous drip (of what? not turmeric, one hopes) aimed at fixing hangovers or offering “an energy boost.” A medically unnecessary I.V. is not something I’d go in for, let alone spend a thousand dollars to experience.

Oh, and there’s a doctor participating who promotes “clean” eating, a fad that’s not only scientifically shaky but a possible gateway to eating disorders.

So how does one categorize this event, which has yet to take place? Will it be an empowering gathering of women leaders and the people (women) able to afford a rather pricey day of wellness? A march for pseudoscience?

Or could it just be a chance — secretly lusted after by more than would like to admit, I suspect — to enter into a real-life version of one of the internet’s great guilty pleasures?

Phoebe Maltz Bovy edits the Sisterhood, and can be reached at [email protected]. She is the author of “The Perils Of ‘Privilege’”, from St. Martin’s Press. Follow her on Twitter, @tweetertation

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