DER YIDDISH-VINKL August 1, 2003
Stanley Siegelman does it again. For steady readers of Der Vinkl, Stanley’s name by now should be familiar. In satirical poetic form, he has described a Jewish White House with Joe Lieberman at its helm. He then shared with us his view of Hillary Clinton’s view of Bill Clinton. From there he took us through the Supreme Court’s decision on sodomy. And he did it all in Yiddish rhyme. And now he brings us up to date on the new phenomenon of dogs that are honored with a “bark mitzvah,” a practice that was reported in the Forward. Both the Yiddish and English versions are by Siegelman.
Bark Mitsve (A Hunts Lebn)
“Bark Mitsve” iz a naye zakh
Vos iz es? Hert zikh tsu — un lakh.
A hunt vert alt, shoyn draytsn yor
Un vert bar-mitsve — hoykh der paw.
A narishkeyt iz dos — amen!
Vos darf er mit a fountain pen?
Der shamis tsu der hunt er ruft.
Der hunt, er loyft, un dan er “vooft.”
Oy, s’iz a shande un a shpas,
Un take oykh a mishigas.
A hunt bar-mitsve in der mitn?
Darf er oykh zayn opgeshnitn?
Zol naye pupiz hobn a bris?
Iz dos anthropomorphosis?
Dos hintele, er leygt shoyn tfiln.
Bald er fangt shoyn on tsu biln.
Vos meg men zogn yetst, tsum sof?
Der hunt, er entfert nor mit “ruf.”
Der Yiddish mentsh in USA
Mehsuge geyt! Oy vey! Oy vey!
A Yidl, zol er zayn gezunt,
Git a numen “Muttl” tsu zayn hunt.
Makh yetst kishev, vi Houdini
Bark mitzve hintl, zingt Pucccini.*
Bark Mitzvah — A Dog’s Life
“Bark Mitzvah” is the latest fad,
It’s laughable — but also sad
At 13 years, to fete his birth,
A dog’s “bar-mitzvahed” amidst much mirth!
What foolishness! Exclaim, “Amen,”
No dog can use a fountain pen.
The sexton calls out to the mutt,
Which barks and growls and shakes his butt!
It’s both a pity and a joke!
What kind of weed do such Jews smoke?
Because they wag a tail and pant
Must dogs join in the covenant?
‘Tis certain we’ll be next advised
That puppies must be circumcised!
Phylacteries our canine wears
But barks until his throat he tears.
What should we from all this infer?
That hounds may holiness incur?
Or that some Yiddish folk perhaps
Are boobs and jerks and fools and saps?
A landsman, may he live and thrive
His pet’s name’s “Muttl,” just for jive.
Let’s make some magic, like Houdini,
And have the doggies sing Pucccini.*