After Jesse Watters’s triumphant trip to New York’s Chinatown, he headed south to Boro Park. Having spent time with people vaguely represented in the foreign policy discussion of the Vice Presidential candidates, he wanted to meet the Jews who have been the subjects of so many tweets by Donald Trump’s supporters. The segment hasn’t yet been aired, but here is a transcript.
Intro music: “If I were a rich man.”
MONTAGE of Hasidic Jews in Borough Park.
CUT: Pan from sign with Hebrew lettering to douchey goyish guy (WATTERS) talking with two young women.
W: Am I supposed to not shake your hand when I say hello?
Women: That’s right.
[Watters waves instead of shakes his hand. Jewish people are so funny and exotic!]
CUT: Watters enters a jewelry shop.
W: I like these diamonds you’re selling. Did you smuggle them?
[That is hilarious, because Jews are in the jewelry business and have shady connections. Notice how much this has to do with how Jewish Americans will be voting this year.]
CUT: Watters on a street talking to a Jewish man with a heavy Yiddish accent.
W: Do you like Donald Trump?
Man: Yes. Hillary Clinton, oy! She’s basically an extension of Obama. Oy!
CUT: Watters in front of kosher butcher talking to another Jewish man with a heavy accent.
W: Who are you going to vote for?
Man: Cleenton’s Vife.
W: She has a name. What’s her name?
Man: Oy vey.
CUT: Movie footage of Woody Allen getting slapped.
CUT: Watters talks to elderly Jewish lady who doesn’t apparently speak any English.
W: Trump has been talking about Israel. How does that make you feel?
[Lady clearly doesn’t understand what he has said. This is hilarious because elderly immigrants are fun to make fun of. Close-up of her wrinkly, exotic face and stooped frame. That is also hilarious because it’s fun to ridicule old people.]
CUT: Watters talks to an elderly Jewish man who doesn’t speak any English.
W: Trump talking about Israel at the debate…
[Sounds of CRICKETS because it’s funny that some old people don’t know English but are polite enough to pass the time of day with some young man who seems very excited about talking to them.]
W: Is it Passover right now?
[More CRICKETS because Jewish holidays are fun to make fun of.]
W: Oh wait, is it Chhhanukkah?
[More CRICKETS. Those Jews have such funny things that even sound funny!]
CUT: Watters talks to millennial.
W: Who are you gonna vote for?
Mill: I really don’t want to vote for Trump, so Hillary.
W: So Israel can keep ripping us off.
Mill: I guess…
W: Now Trump wants to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out. Square that circle.
[Mill looks confused. She crinkles her big, hooked nose that isn’t like ours. This is hilarious because Jews don’t understand stuff and have weird faces. It has nothing to do with the question making no sense whatsoever.]
CUT to very old man speaking with an accent.
Old: Eee like Doanald Tramp bekoze I voz a gambler!
[Jewish man laughs in a ridiculous way. He has bad teeth. So bad that he could never have a regular video segment on Fox News.]
CUT back to the millennial.
W: So do Jews run all the Hollywood studios now?
Mill: Not all of them.
W: Tell me one the Jews don’t run.
Mill: I can’t think of it right now.
W: Me neither.
MUSIC, “To Life! To Life! L’Chayim!” You know, Jew music.
CUT to Der Sturmer image of Jews controlling the world.
CUT to W talking with a middle-aged woman.
W: Is Israel America’s friend or enemy?
Wom: Oy! Of coa’was deyr friyends!
[This is hilarious because she talks funny.]
W: Can you guys take care of Syria for us?
Wom: Wooow – dett is too much!
CUT back to the millennial.
W: Do Jews call kosher food just… food?
[Mill laughs because that is so wacky! Because why would they?! Because of course “kosher food” and “Chinese food” are so exotic and weird!]
INTERSTITIAL: Watters does wacky Jewish stuff! We see him haggling over a camera and eating a bagel and lox. Like Jews do! Then he goes to the shvitz. Then he asks young people how they dance in Jewish communities, because that has something to do with politics.
CUT to inexplicable interview with old man.
W: How do you say in Hebrew, “this is my world.”
[What does that even mean?]
Man: Zeh ha oilam sheli.
W: Zeh ha olam sheli?
Man: No, this isn’t Israeli Hebrew, this is Brooklyn Hebrew! Say it right, like we do. Zeh ha oilam sheli.
[For some reason, this, too, is hilarious, because Jews make such funny sounds.]
CUT to Watters getting a massage at the shvitz from a burly Russian Jewish man.
W: Can you play “this little piggy went to market”?
[That’s hilarious, because it’s fun to demean service workers who don’t speak English. And, y’know, pigs and Jews — always a giggle.]
[The Russian Jewish man punches him in the face on behalf of all of us.]